Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
May 16, 2023
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Things I Don't Speak About
If melancholy was an ocean,
I’d be drowning, with names of forgotten souls weighing me down
like they do in my memories
A remorse that can’t be told.
I skip the wakes for the things I helped die
from time and time of neglect
A guilt I can’t escape
For joining something I could easily forget
A remorse that can’t be told
I’m pained when I oversee the obvious
my oblivion always reigns supreme
people’s efforts go unnoticed
as their dedication is dismissed
A remorse that can’t be told
And the worst of all
inflicting pain on others
a sin that’s hard to carry
with guilt that keeps me hurting.
A remorse that can’t be told.
— renae miller, May 16, 2023
Share this poem
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is a resubmit of a poem I posted on the stream about a month ago.
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem explores deep emotional states of melancholy, guilt, and remorse with a consistent refrain that emphasizes the unspeakable nature of these feelings. The metaphor of drowning in an ocean of melancholy effectively conveys the overwhelming weight of sadness and forgotten memories. The repetition of "A remorse that can’t be told" serves as a poignant anchor, reinforcing the theme of inexpressible pain.
To enhance the poem's impact, consider varying the phrasing of the refrain slightly in each stanza to reflect the evolving nuances of remorse described. This could add layers of meaning and prevent the repetition from feeling too static. Additionally, some lines could benefit from tightening for clarity and rhythm—for example, "from time and time of neglect" might be rephrased for smoother flow.
The poem’s structure is straightforward, which suits the solemn tone, but experimenting with line breaks or stanza lengths might create more dynamic pacing and emotional emphasis. Also, exploring more vivid, concrete imagery beyond the ocean metaphor could deepen the reader’s connection to the speaker’s experience.
Overall, the poem effectively communicates a heavy emotional burden and invites reflection on the complexities of guilt and sorrow. With some refinement in language and structure, its emotional resonance could be further amplified.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to our contact form.