Dalton

Jun 27, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The Old Man and the Sea

The old man stands on the shoreline
Waiting for his soul to return

"Why are you here?" the waves echo to him
"What do you seek that nowhere else can be found?"

"I seek that which was lost that was taken from me
In your eyes alone a stolen memory of she

I have wandered the mountains as a hungry breeze
And the deserts that witnessed poor Majnun's parting days

I've been lost in the city, a labyrinth of dreams
Where the Shulammite stepped between veils night and day

Every street confounds my lover from me
She the dawn's halo bright, I the prisoner of night

Lonely places are the most beautiful to me
It is there she resides and so there I must be..."

— Dalton, Jun 27, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: The Celestial River

Favorite Poets: Shane MacGowan, Dylan Thomas, Qays ibn Al-Mulawwah, Wallada bint al-Mustakfi, Rumi, Khalil Gibran, Yona Wallach, Arthur Rimbaud, Paul Eluard, Brendan Behan, James Clarence Mangan, William Blake, Tom Waits, Charles Bukowski, Forough Farrokhzad, Thomas Chatterton

Critiques

Breakinglogic

15 years 11 months ago

I loved it. I’ll have to

I loved it. I'll have to look up the refereces, but I think this was very good. Grammatically, you are missing a comma here: "She the dawn’s halo bright[,] I the prisoner of night" Also, there is a typo on you first night, you have, "nighht" I like the theme a lot. And the images, those too. The title, I think, could be a bit more relevant; While the current title works, the poem, if I'm not mistaken, is more about the old man and his search for his lover. Language use, I liked the diversity. Rhyming schema was not consistent from what I could tell, but the pacing is what made it tight I think, so I didn't mind. Consistent, seems so. I didn't think it was childish at all. One thing I wasn't sure of is why the old man is the prisoner of the night, though, no other complaints. Good job Peace and cheers, logic

poewriter58

15 years 11 months ago

Dalton

The only thing I see wrong here and it is a minor typo nighht lol Beautiful workmanship Chrys

raskin

15 years 11 months ago

I like this one. I find it

I like this one. I find it fascinating the biblical references you make. What do they mean to you and how does this enhance the idea you were writing about, I'm curious. raskin

Dalton

15 years 11 months ago

The reference of the Shulamite

The reference of the Shulamite, to me the Shulamite is a reference to the holy bride, that is how i use it. I suppose if i am honest a biblical reference can give a piece of writing weight. It's just what i'm interested in and it comes out in my poetry. thankyou for the read and comment. john

raskin

15 years 11 months ago

Thank you John. I’ll read

Thank you John. I'll read up on that. I remember some of this but it is fuzzy. raskin

Dalton

15 years 11 months ago

the Shulammite is mentioned

the Shulammite is mentioned in the Song of Songs: 'Return, return, O Shulammite, return, return, let us gaze at you!' 'What will you see in the Shulammite as she dances between the companies?' 'How beautiful are your sandalled feet, O royal daughter! Your curved thighs are like jewels fashioned by a master. Your navel is a round goblet,brim-ful of wine. Your belly is a heap of wheat, ringed with lilies. Your breasts are like two fauns - the twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like a tower of ivory. Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon, by the gate of Bath-rabbim. Your nose is like the tower on Lebanon that looks towards Damascus. Your head rises like Mount Carmel, your flowing locks are (lustrous)as purple; a king is held captive in these tresses!' (The Lover:) 'How fair you are, how pleasing, O rapturous love! Here is your figure, stately as a palm tree, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I say: "Let me climb the palm tree and take hold of its branches! May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like choice wine -"' (The Maiden:) ' - that will flow smoothly for my lover, gliding over his sleeping lips.'

lou

15 years 11 months ago

Dalton

Consistent theme and rhythm. Good use of language , a good read. Lou xx

Seren

15 years 11 months ago

John those last two lines

John those last two lines are just sublime ... lonely places are silent places and your words inference for me to a kind of reverence beautifully done love and hugs JayCee (Quote~~"It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree. "--Charles Baudelaire)

mona

15 years 11 months ago

So expressive

Mona

Mari Shine

15 years 11 months ago

This is a superbly inked

This is a superbly inked poem John. Your fine ability as a poet shines through each well crafted line. So well expressed and with excellent visual detail. Nice satin smooth flow also. The last two lines are the icing on the poetic cake for me and turn this wonderful poem into a resplendent poetic pen gem. Brilliant work John. Thank You so very much for sharing.

mona

15 years 11 months ago

Dear John,,,soft words and deep,,,and always in my mind

Dear John I'm reading your poem again and again ,because I love it.I will paste your poem here and what I have understood ,so please if I'm mistaken just make correction to me. The old man stands on the shoreline Waiting for his soul to return (he lost his beloved and waiting for her) “Why are you here?” the waves echo to him “What do you seek that nowhere else can be found?” (The poet imagination) “I seek that which was lost that was taken from me In your eyes alone a stolen memory of she I have wandered the mountains as a hungry breeze And the deserts that witnessed poor Majnun’s parting days I’ve been lost in the city, a labyrinth of dreams Where the Shulammite stepped between veils night and day ( you mean he lost his beloved and looking for her every where) Every street confounds my lover from me She the dawn’s halo bright, I the prisoner of night (do you mean she is in the heaven after death, and he is the prisoner of this life without her?) Lonely places are the most beautiful to me It is there she resides and so there I must be…” (the grave where she is ,and where he must be) MONA

Dalton

15 years 11 months ago

Your interpretation are not far from the mark

Your interpretation are not far from the mark. It's as much your creation as mine, however you see it how can that not be so? thankyou indeed for your well thought out comments Mona, and thankyou also Mari Shine, it gladdens the heart to hear the thoughts of two writers I admire. john

Dalton

15 years 11 months ago

I was thinking of what it

I was thinking of what it would be like for a man to become estranged from his soul, something so precious and crucial to life as breath. Once I in my life I wished to send forth my soul to protect a woman I loved, and I think it felt as though I waited along time to feel that it was back with me again. Also there are those who wander the earth with no thought to there soul, the sister of your being, just as important as the bread of life. I hope that makes some small sense, john