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First Date Delight (Changes and Tweaks With The Help of Geezer)

Through the aisles
Menu in mind
Hoping to find meat
Of the freshest kind

 

DeMona watches him intently
Intriqued by his deadly essence
Turned on by his deadly presence
That draws her closer to the man within

 

From frozen food
To check-out line
DeMona stalks her prey
Wanting him to be proud of her
She won’t let this one get away

 

Killer comes out a bit too late
The deed is already done
The disappointment fades from his eyes
With the promise of more to come

 

The feast all stashed in the trunk
The recipies to discuss
Conversation and toothsome cooking
At the Killer’s bunk

 

Back at the lair
They cut her up with flair
Singing as they worked
“Old Time Rock and Roll”
Soothes even a serial soul

 

Cracked ribs with coagulated gravy
Music plays softly, and low
The perfect dinner
For cannibalistic sinners
Lit by candle-glow

 

DeMona stares silently
As Killer puts his arm around her waist
He says the most romantic things
” It’s your lips I want to taste”

 

And now it’s face to face
And lip to lip
DeMona thinks it’s going well
Will they join at the hip?
Only time will tell

 

— hardcorechick28, Dec 10, 2009

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Critiques

Geezer

Geezer

16 years 6 months ago

Yes!

A few tweaks and this is gonna be great! I think we got something here for sure! I'm tired too, so I will print it and try to find some ways to smooth it out. Nice! ~ Gee
H

hardcorechick28

16 years 6 months ago

awesome....

did you come up with anything yet to make this better? i apologize, it wasnt one of my best. i was so tired last night and felt like crap......we definitely have something good going on...talk soon
Geezer

Geezer

16 years 5 months ago

I'm glad...

I'm glad that I already voted on this one. I wouldn't want to have anyone say that I'm tooting my own horn! Besides, this was just you, all I did was critique! LOL I do think they make a lovely couple though. ~ Gee ~ P.S. One more tweak! She's cut up with flair, instead of [they] cut her up with flair]. Makes it flow a little better right there.
H

hardcorechick28

16 years 5 months ago

i am

pleased with their romance as well!!! It was your tweaks that made it that much better!!! I cant wait to see the next installment!!!
Breakinglogic

Breakinglogic

16 years 5 months ago

I love this type of humor :)

I love this type of humor :) it was a slick read that held my attention the same way a praying mantis clings to ones hand ( if one is lucky enough to find such a cool bug) great work here! Peace and cheers logic
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

16 years 5 months ago

Hello

What a great combo... DeMona and Killer. Kudos to Geezer, as well. Always, Cat
Geezer

Geezer

16 years 5 months ago

Hello too...

We are so glad that everyone likes Killer and DeMona. We think they make a great couple and will be doing more with them. Thanks so much for your comments and compliments, ~ Gee