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Breakinglogic
Breakinglogic
May 14, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Reality

thoughts ofrevolutionpeace paradeshots firedblinding lightsguess its back to schoolhit the pavementtake the dosesdrift away andlift the coma of lifeits no usegetting oldno looking backfall into nothingkiss the lips of failurejust do what theypay youcold breathover your shoulderwake upbedtime's overhere beginsa brand new storyordinaryforget what you canwash in the new waveof young hopefuls
— Breakinglogic, May 14, 2009

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About the Author

Region, Country: California, USA

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Critiques

K

Kyarain

17 years ago

Brilliant

Loved it, often I share that view... that is my sight of "reality". Only one mistake I caught, you misspelled "begins" in the line "here bigins" Once again, your efforts are applauded. Peace, love, and dreams Ky~
B

blistered-pen

17 years ago

hello..

one problem. "cold breathe over your shoulder" spelling error? "breath" but I' think it'd be great with "cold breathes over your shoulder" I like this and kind of get the feeling that it's all over the place, mostly because it's about more than one thing. but it isn't. I can't really explain what I want to explain :) I just woke up from an EXCELLENT nap and am not really awake. I was just planning to browse, see the new writes but I had to leave a comment. kudos, for making me take the time. .. I don't comment enough. I hope you have fun expanding this. I know how hard it can be, expanding a poem but I also know how easy it is and how it'll be chock full of flaws.. but I suppose that's what Neo's for. :)
Breakinglogic

Breakinglogic

17 years ago

Firstly, thank you for the

Firstly, thank you for the pleasing review. The jumping from one idea to another was an attempt to express a lot in little space, hopefully without straying too much. I tried to sew it together loosely to leave room for speculation. And thank you for catching that spelling mistake. And I have taken your suggestion into consideration, but decided to keep it 'breath'. The reason being that I didn't want 'cold' to become the noun which performs the breathing, but rather elude from the source of the breath, which in my mind is old age; But in someone else's mind could very well be pressure, expectancy, impatience etc. This is a great site, I agree. Thank you so much again :) Peace
Edevold

Edevold

17 years ago

I like it

Very good poem... what about coffee breath??? When I was a kid I always remember the teachers with coffee breath. Just a thought, the poem is fine as is!!
infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

17 years ago

Logic

Not bad for a wee little sketch. After reading such lines as: "getting old, no looking back" "Wake up, bedtime's over" The title of "Reality" popped into my head. What do you think? ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------- "Until that ‘morrow render unto me That which is mine my stipend well deserved The fairest flower of your progeny Your sons, your daughters your hopes and your dreams The cruel consequence of your conceit" - Steve Earle