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Geremia
Geremia
Jan 10, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Mourning shadows


Mourning shadows

Slowly slipping through greyMourning shadowsAloneAnd to myselfNo other breathNext to meIn my own worldI quietly twirlYet I seeLurking in dark cornersOf my eyeSomething watching meAs I tryTo make my wayTo twilightSafe again in the blackOf nightI know who you areYou’ve knocked on my doorOnce beforeI’ve come a long wayCome so farStronger now than you areI thrive on my mysteryAnd only on that dayOf my choosingI 'll surrenderYou seeNeverDid like losing 

 

    
— Geremia, Jan 10, 2009

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Country/Region: USA

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Critiques

ID

Ink Dragon

17 years 4 months ago

Longo,

The feelings in this piece are stark and raw. Maybe you were a little overwhelmed by them yourself when you posted? Please have a closer look again at the final lines: Of my choosin I ‘ll surrender You se Never Did like losing I can´t help feeling you may have forgotten some letters... Nevertheless, this is a good write, and I think it will be a great one if you sort those lines out. Respectfully, Ink Dragon
ID

Ink Dragon

17 years 4 months ago

hey, great!

Glad you fixed it! Reads much smoother now! Happens to everybody, now and again, Ink
C

Conect11

17 years 4 months ago

you come to this

purposefully. I commend you for the sturdy focus which you give to this poem. It's interesting that you hold control of your surrender; most people come to surrender in the most desperate times, when there is no control. "You've knocked on my door once before" is well constructed, and actually has me questioning if the antagonist here isn't an addiction of some kind. You may have chosen to be easy on the punctuation, so if you have ignore my usual ramblings about how you may want to tidy up the grammar a little bit. Mark W. "Not since the Houston Asylum Fire of '54 have I seen so many flaming crazies." ~Dan Rather, SNL Fringe Candidates Debate
Geremia

Geremia

17 years 4 months ago

J.B. Longo-Geremia Thanks

J.B. Longo-Geremia Thanks you. "You've knocked on my door before." Read DREAM DANCE-- it explaiins it all. No gramamr in poetry...:) Grazie tante!! [So many thanks] joe
C

Conect11

17 years 4 months ago

I shall read it

and I understand about your feelings on grammar, many good writers have that opinion. Mark W. "Not since the Houston Asylum Fire of '54 have I seen so many flaming crazies." ~Dan Rather, SNL Fringe Candidates Debate