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Rett
Rett
Aug 18, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

I Remember Daddy (Caution! Some may find this very disturbing)

Once again, I repeat my caution. This is disturbing and
to my regret true.


I Remember Daddy

Sometimes when you delve into the past
You learn things that's best unfound
Find the person that you had known
Wasn't the one you'd lived around

I remember the good times we had
Laughter and fun we both shared
I remember a smile upon his face
Many little ways I thought he cared

What to do when you uncover darkness
Find evil walked right by his side?
How do you face reality, look it in the eye
And come to grips with the fact he lied?

I remember when he was enraged
Blisters on my back from a belt in hand
I remember when I looked him in the eye
Threatened his life if I got another brand

How to accept he raped his daughter-child?
And drove his first wife insane?
How to reconcile that one you loved
Was so evil and caused such pain?

I remember things I'd hidden from myself
Sights my young mind shut out
I remember hands around mom's neck
Choking and unable to cry or shout

Sometime when you delve into the past
Memories return you tried to ignore
The bad times you buried deep
Others you keep locked behind the door.

I remember the cold hard eyes
The fearful determination on mama's face
Yes, I remember Daddy; it's best he's gone
For his heart was a cold dark place...


In 1973 my first wife ran off with my best friend, taking my son away. I lost control of myself and  checked into a mental institution for almost a year. Extensive therapy at that time brought
down a lot of mental blocks I had erected from my past. I got myself back together, re-married and was lucky enough to get custody of my son. I have now been married for over 33 years and thank God each day for my sanity and the love that is in my life. Just this small part that I share is painful. Some of the memories I shall forever keep locked away from prying eyes. The things I learned and the things I remember make me physically ill. Maybe in a small way it explains why
family and children are so important to me and why I feel people like this should be brought to justice. The cop-out of  "I was abused is why I abuse" doesn't wash with me, I know better! I hope this may in some small way help someone to know they are not alone in their pain. It can be overcome, but never completely forgotten. 
With utmost respect,
Rett

— Rett, Aug 18, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Southern Texas, USA

Favorite Poets: Dickenson, Longfellow

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Critiques

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

17 years 9 months ago

This was touching Rett

Smiles:) Barbara Sorry you had to experience such a painful childhood Daddy and mama drank together, threw up together, club together, fought like crazy till I was at least eighteen, still remember her being beaten black and blue swollen head and eyes, fighting till the end, she broke his thumb biting it when it slipped in he mouth after a hard back hand, but her never physically abuse us, but did verbally. still together today. I tell daddy if i marry someone like him I would have been gone in two weeks if not two days. don't see how she stayed 48 years. tell my hubby, will come home to a vacant house when he get off from work if he hit me. We fight a lot, but he keeps his hands to himself. though i be asking for it so say my kids, never a reason to hit. Glad you found happiness
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thanks Barbara

Even with this, not all my childhood was bad. There were some good times, mostly with mama when daddy was off somewhere running around. The only possible way I would ever strike a woman would be to protect my life. That is something that is not right. I appreciate you reading and commenting. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
D

DarkinAZ

17 years 9 months ago

You have become...

a good hearted man, in that sense you have defeated your Father and what he stood for. Your son is a testament to the Victory you have enjoyed over the past 33 years and your marriage is the reward. Touching, sobering and you deserve praise! Your friend, Mark
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thanks Mark

I survived more intact than most due to a stubborn streak a mile wide. I don't dwell on trouble, I try to work it out and get past it. I did not want my children or my wife to go through what I did and I have made sure they didn't. I sometimes wonder how I survived without turning into a monster with no regard for anyone, but I did. I think that was due to my mother. Thanks for reading and commenting my friend. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Kailashana

Kailashana

17 years 9 months ago

i wonder…is there such a

i wonder...is there such a thing as a poet who had a *happy* childhood? Or do those of us who say *I had a happy childhood* forget the god-awful truth? i wonder...do we have any choices how we live out our lives? really? or is it only there by the grace of god go i? i'll never know why i am me and not someone else, great, insignificant, a looney, or a saint, was i born to be me? thank you for your honesty my friend. what i know for sure is that our poems bring healing to ourselves and one another. ~A
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thanks Anna

That may actually be why I took up writing fairly early in life and have continued it so long. I am not sure if I have ever talked to a poet who had a good childhood. I have talked to some that thought they had a bad one that I would call wonderful. *L* Each person has their own demons to fight. The greatest moment of my life was in late '73 When I suddenly realized that I was me and no one else. When I became happy with the person I was in spite of all the bad things that happened and the less than good things I had done in my life, I became content with the person I had become. Life is a wondrous thing isn't it? Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Linda Moses

Linda Moses

17 years 9 months ago

Rett

I was just thinking what Anna has posted, is there such a thing as a poet, or an artist who had a happy childhood?. My father was cut from the same cloth as yours. I have thought that poetry is in a way a form of psychotherapy. I think we create to relieve pain, and to bring some sort of order and beauty to our lives. I had 3 brothers. One left now. We all had kids, and not one of us ever struck any of our kids. I know, spare the rod and spoil the kid, but all of our kids have grown up to be good people, or good citizens as Batman would say. Hang in there buddy, I believe you have made it.
tbeaudet

tbeaudet

17 years 9 months ago

I can confirm

not all artists and/or poets have had unhappy childhoods. I am a very lucky one who has nothing but wonderful memories from a wonderful and loving childhood. Rett, my respect for you has again grown after reading this nightmare of yours. You are a good man.. God Bless, Tom
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

My appreciation and envy my friend

I envy you a happy childhood and am so happy you had one. It is wonderful to find someone like you. No wonder you are the person I immediately took a liking to. Yes, mine was a nitemare and a daymare, but would have been more so if my mama had not have been there until I was 11. But all things told it could have been worse as I have found out from others over the years. The good thing is that after dad kidnapped me from my mom when I was almost 12 he was still afraid to strike me and when I turned 13 I left. So although it wasn't roses, others have been through worse and I am thankful I ended up the person I am. Thank you my friend. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thanks Linda

Yes ma'am, I have made it. You can never forget, but you can get past it. All three of my children are well adjusted contributing adults. My oldest, by my first wife works at a warehouse and is still a musician part time. My daughter is working for the school, married with 3 kids, two boys and a girl. My youngest son, all 6'4" of him is a computer IT Tech for a large firm in South Houston. They got spatted as children, but never more than that physically. I will never understand those that use the term "I was abused so I abuse" when trying to explain. To me that was the last thing I wanted for my children. I may not be rich, but I am happy. My deepest appreciation. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Nice Quote

I liked it Anna. Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
B

bellavistabear

17 years 9 months ago

Wow....

What a powerful piece....Awesome writing. Excellent style...and true, a somewhat disturbing story...undoubtedly a very theraputic exercise for you. Take care, Brian
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thank you Brian

I am most comfortable writing in Rhyme. I don't really understand why. There are times I even think in rhyme. *LOL* Thanks so much for reading and commenting. It lets go of a major piece of my past. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Kailashana

Kailashana

17 years 9 months ago

As a sidenote a dear friend,

As a sidenote a dear friend, a poet, singer, piano player, actor, and former Catholic monk suffers from Bi-polar. He killed his abusive father when he was 14 with a shotgun. One never knows the circumstances of another's life, truly. He is one of the most gentle compassionate human beings I have ever known. ~A
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

I can understand how he could do it

If you noticed, stanza five tells what I did. I couldn't cry I was so mad and hurt which made the beating even more so. I had blood blisters from his belt all the way from my shoulders to my ankles. When he finally got tired enough to quit, I looked him square in the eyes and told him "I will kill you if you ever raise a hand to me again!" To this day with him long in his grave I still mean those words. If he had ever raised another hand to me I would have killed him and I am not a violent person unless someone hurts one of my family. I think that is the only time I could kill someone. I am extremely easygoing, but I value my family and friends. Thank you for the insight Anna. I truly appreciate it. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Mark

Mark

17 years 9 months ago

Rett

I should have been crying but something seemed missing. I'm not exactly sure what it is. Maybe there are no feelings there anymore, not sure. Maybe not enough in the body. Rett this poem needs no explaination nor does it need the warnings IMO as usual lol I thik it stands on its own. Mark
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thanks Mark

As usual, you are probably right. As for the feelings, yes most are gone except for the hatred that still burns over that beating. Everytime I think of it to this day I wish he were still alive so I could knock his sorry ass to the ground and stomp him a few time. Ahhh well, life goes on. I appreciate it mark. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

17 years 9 months ago

wow

Well Rett, as for your father, and mine I have only one thing to say about our occurences: God was watching..... Excellent sucker-punching piece Rett. My respect for ya just increased ten-fold. ~Jess ---------------------------------------------------- "Just 'cause you have one, doesn't mean you need to be one....."
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thanks Jess

I appreciate it. Life deals us the cards, it is up to us to make the best hand out of it we can. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
R

rider68

17 years 9 months ago

Great thoughts being shared

Rett This has certainly has touched a nerve, Just seeing the response of the comments It is great and quite reassuring that we are able to be frank and open, about things so close to home, Life. eh.....they say you can choose your friends, But family,......... How true, The line about beatings, reminded back to my stepfather, I suppose he's dead by now, but growing up, I can remember always getting the choice, between the belt, slipper, or hand, got to say , Tried all three, and they all bloody hurt, but fate took a hand, My mother and he split up, I was about 6-7yrs, about 3 months after, I had to appear at Court for something trivial, and out of the blue, before anything was really said, - my Mother standing by my side, took hold of my hand, and said aloud, please take my son, Never once did she look at me, just said her piece and turned and left, Life from that point took a dramatic turn for the worse,….. Strange I hadn’t given any Thought to any of this, until reading your post, and no there’s no hatred left inside, \my life greatly improved from the age of ten, for the first time I was able to be apart of A family type environment, the years until then was a dam nightmare, and I think best Left there, Although Rett we are never lightly to meet, I would just like to say, thanks friend and Wish you the very best, Very Best Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
D

DarkinAZ

17 years 9 months ago

Rett and Peter...

the combination of your stories really brought back those memories for me also. I had a ok young childhood I suppose, kinda just played toys while the family fought and such. My brother and I too got the belt and hand and even the paddle with holes at school, grandmother prefered the wooden spoon. But it was infact those years I was away from them which took me down a long hard road. I was placed in the custody of the State of AZ for some time, separated from my brother even, first bunkhouses then foster homes. That is where I learned of substance abuse first hand and how to take a car without the keys, and that even the doors and window locks on homes are flawed. It was several years before I conquered all these character flaws picked up. Being the only white kid forced to attend inner city schools and eventually hanging with the wrong crowd, the skin heads seemed to have my best interest in mind (yet they are just the same.) I lived briefly in underground tunnels, juvenile hall and among the roof tops of schools, I have even slept in those recycle bins for old newspapers, (always was worried to light my smoke in there though.)All of this was just experienced by the age of 16, many more years of hardship, neglect and solitude as well as a constant plea to God on one hand and the mark of the beast on the other I was truly mixed up and lost. Now days I thank God for the moral structure I have been able to retain through all those hard times (I still slip, I am human) but I do hold myself accountable now, as I am now a man, a father and i am forever grateful and fearful of my God who's mercy I do not deserve. Life is wonderful! Sincerely, Mark
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thank you my friend

We never know what life holds for us and I daresay the twists and turns are sometimes good and sometimes bad. I am sorry to hear of the nightmare you led until then, but I also rejoice that things got better for you from age ten on. It is strange what will set off memories. For me DarkinAz's poem about his dad set mine off and I ended up writing about mine. Now I triggered your memories about your stepdad and your mother. For the bad memories, I am sorry, for the good ones I rejoice with you my friend. It is likely we will never meet as you said, but that doesn't matter because I can count you as a friend anyway and would like to thank you also Peter, and to wish you the very best. As I said to Jess K., life deals us the cards and it is up to us to make the best hand out of them that we can. With my utmost respect, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Mark

It never ceases to amaze me when I hear the trials and tribulations from someone who has traveled a lot of the same road as me.It is a wonder I did not spend time in Jail, juvenile or elsewhere. Most window and doorlocks are easy and provided me with a few bucks cash at times. I think the reason I never got caught was I tended to take just a little and never caused damage. Most people won't bother reporting a few dollars or a couple of missing items thinking they miscounted or misplaced them. I have since given much more than I ever took so maybe the books are slightly balanced. It is a wonder that we ended up the way we did. I have slept in dumpsters, fields, under bridges or in older women's arms. Been a janitor, a fry-cook, cleaned up in strip joints, swept driveways, bagged groceries, worked the projectors in a movie theater, sold newspapers, cut meat and worked a Dr Pepper route for 5 cents a case with no salary. I have pumped gas, washed cars and just about anything else for a buck or two so looks like there are more of us around than I realized. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
D

DarkinAZ

17 years 9 months ago

Yes sir,

I like to think I turned out pretty well. I love my country my family and my God, I work hard (I play hard too) but I am slowing down in my old age, LOL..it was a rough ride to 31. Thank you my dear friend for giving me the ability to share those old days in a manner which I can simply smile and say "whew, that was a close one." Your friend, Mark
R

rider68

17 years 9 months ago

Hi Mark - Wow

I was quite humbled by your account, to the sleeping rough, I remember that well, but the solvent abuse, That's Heavy, really, You've won me over, to be able to walk away from that , and pick up the piece's and make some-thing of yourself, That's just great credit to you, and a massive achievement, I have known many that haven't been able to walk away without tremendous social problems, Although it was happening around me, It was never some-thing I was swayed into, "thankfully" but even the drug scene, I made a rule, anything that needs to be injected, I didn't touch, try, in any shape or fashion, The abuse well that’s another story, Take care Mark……Very Best Regards…….Oh and what’s this about slowing down, At 31 yrs, mate hold on to your youth, that’s not an age to let it go, life’s to dam short, Your never to old just to be a little bit mad………….. Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
D

DarkinAZ

17 years 9 months ago

Thanks my friend...

I always appreciate you comments and value your correspondance. Your friend, Mark
infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

17 years 9 months ago

Rett

I'm glad to see this made spotlight! Way to go! Mark - Peter is quite correct, you still have tons of good years left to raise some hell! 31 old.....pfffffftttttt, thanks for the laugh. :~D ~Jess ---------------------------------------------------- "Just 'cause you have one, doesn't mean you need to be one....."
E

easylife_2

17 years 9 months ago

Rett,I can I expect less from you ?

Congratulations on making the spotlight.I have always regarded you and your work in high esteem,and you have further convinced me with the way you summarized your childhood in this write.What more to say than I am so glad for you to have put all that trouble behind you and moved on.Thanks
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

easy

I truly appreciate it a lot. Yes, I have put it behind me and enjoy a happy life. Each and every day is a blessing. I am very glad you enjoy the way I write. I and a few others are a dying breed of poet, but we carry on. *G* Too much rock and roll and country and western influlence. Yep, I like them both. *LOL* Sorry I was so long answering. Busy week or so. Doing my best to catch up on answering and commenting on others. Got way behind. Again, thank you. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

LOL

You have a point there. Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Kailashana

Kailashana

17 years 9 months ago

Sigh….. Suffering?

Sigh..... Suffering? Sometimes I wonder about it.... do children really know they suffer? No, I think children hurt and feel a hole that should be filled with love, as children are mostly naturally gifted psychics. Can't quite articulate, but *know* something is wrong. It isn't until comparative experiences are known that the word *suffering* enters. And there is so much *suffering* in the world. Most of the world lives in deprivation, brutality and loss...and that's just from governments....the paternal iron hand. ~A Nice *spotlight* wished you wouldn't have had to *suffer* to *earn* it. hugs.
Janice Pearce

Janice Pearce

17 years 9 months ago

I Remember Daddy

Rett, thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us. You are a man of courage. Hopefully writing about it was part of your healing process too. It was a horiffic story. I was once told, "If Everyone gathered at a table to put their troubles down upon it, and exchange them for another's,you'd grab your own and go rnning out the door." Great write here sir!
Kailashana

Kailashana

17 years 9 months ago

Odd… I was just thinking

Odd... I was just thinking that this morning.... in this group I belong to, everyone plays their roles to a hilt, it gets pretty ugly and disturbing sometimes, and I think I'm glad I'm me. I'd rather be the object than the one who does the kicking... However, thankfully Homie don't play that, (no more). ~A
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Good for you Anna

Homie don't need those games. Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thank you Janice

You are absolutely right on the troubles. Each time I have started to have a pity party I see or talk to someone who makes all my troubles pale by comparison. I consider myself pretty dang well off. I appreciate you reading and commenting very much, My sincere thanks. Respectfully Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
R

rider68

17 years 9 months ago

Well Deserved

Rett Well Deserved just great,.....Have a great weekend...... Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thanks Peter

You have a good one too my friend. May God bless you. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
B

barbsdad2003

17 years 9 months ago

Thanx, Rett

Just the fact your piece was written---and here posted---allows a therapeutic read for the rest of us. Yours, Chuck
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thank you Chuck

It helped me too. Respectfully, Rett: "If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I in the pits?" Erma Bombeck
P

prayersbyPatty

17 years 9 months ago

Rett, good poem

Yea, been to therapy a few times, still have my closet locked. It gets worse for me to talk about the s*** in my life. I like the "I'm okay theory". If people had not mocked and abused me, I never would have had to prove them wrong. As Mark said, thats the way to defeat them. No history repeated here. Not how I roll to this day I do not like to hear people talk loud or yell, and I pull in, but it works for me. "I am not where I should be, but thanks God I am not where I was" (Joyce Meyers) A framed sign in my room "HELL AND BACK 23.8 MILES" Patty
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Thanks Patty

I can understand what you mean. My wife still gets on my case because I don't talk very loud even though I myself am a little hard of hearing. That stems from getting the heck knocked out of me if I raised my voice. What works for you my friend is what has to be. Respectfully, Rett: "If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I in the pits?" Erma Bombeck
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Janice, sorry I was so long replying

Somehow I missed you comment. I don't know how you may convince him as that is a VERY painful surgery and at 67 he may not think it is worthwhile. You can't convince him, you can only try to understand and show how much you care and hope that will make him "want to." I will pray and hope for the best. May God bless you. Respectfully, Rett: "If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I in the pits?" Erma Bombeck
themoonman

themoonman

17 years 9 months ago

Rett...

very good poeming... lots of comments on this one.. I wanted to comment on one you made about not agreeing with the cop-out that our media and t.v. in general has inflicted upon us.. I was abused by my father also.. that is why it has taken me so long to actually comment here... I eventually forgave my father for all he had done and it took years of hate before that was accomplished... I don't believe in the, I was abused therefore I abuse, theory.. in fact it pisses me off everytime I hear it.. It is like the media and psychologists are giving the abused a liscence to abuse.. I don't accept their offer and believe that every man should be held accountable for his actions.. I have spanked all of my kids but that was all it ever was.. and they all love and respect me... and those that are grown have turned out well.. damn.. I'm sorry for going on.. Richard
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Richard

Don't be sorry for going on about it. We are both in TOTAL agreement there. That abuse copout pisses me off too. Anyone that was abused does not want to inflict the same shit on their kids and you and I are prime examples of that! That is why I said that "I KNOW BETTER!' I am very happy that you have gotten over it. I have also except that one last beating after which I threatened to kill him. I get pissed off everytime I think of it, but I will get over it. That is the last remaining thing. I absolutely appreciate you commenting and I understand my friend. Most Respectfully, Rett: "If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I in the pits?" Erma Bombeck