Drug Struggle

I keep telling myself that things will change,
I keep wondering why I'm acting so strange....
I keep blowing off all the things that I love,
With all the hatred that killed an innocent dove.

I let her get to close to my burdened heart,
The cheating and drugs is only a small start,
Of all the things I have slowly put her through
Only 5 months, I wonder what else can I do?!

Isn't it enought to sit and listen to her cry,
Or how about when I wonder if I were to die....
Would it be better? Better because I'm not there?
Better because I'm not causing her heart to tear?!

But it'd only be worse, because she loves me.
Drugs have blinded me, sadly I can no longer see,
This nightmare is over powering my dreams,
I'm not so sure this is what I wanted to be....

I am capable of love as far as I know,
I promise my heart is not putting on a show,
I want to be better, I want to stop....
But I'm terrified of my own pains tear drop.

I like numbing the pain, 'till it goes away,
Maybe I'll quit some other crazy long day.
I'm stuck in a rut, I don't know what to do....
I'm so lost, cold, alone, completely confused....