Witchfinder

Uncertain what to write on a Halloween theme?
Torn between a bleat on the trick or treat scene
and a moan about movies on the sequel screen?
Don’t look back lamenting what once had been,
get yourself a copy of Witch! magazine.
Yes, Witch! magazine like you’ve taken possession -
not Which? magazine that answers your questions,
the journal that advises modern consumers
how best to invest their hard-earned riches,
but the one with magic wands and wart-removers
for those who wish to be au fait with witches.
Don’t dwell in the dark, access the facts
about women in black with pointy hats.
If you’re no longer a magazine reader
and prefer more up to the minute media
then get yourself on to Witchipedia.

That’s what I did - man, it’s wicked
all the things they used to do to witches.
Witch-hunting, witch-finding, then witch-pricking,
witches used to be trussed up like a chicken
and thrown in a pond to see if they float:
they’d burn if they do and drown if they don’t.
In theory, you’d think there’d be no witches left,
but witches have become more circumspect
and hang out in places most folk don’t see -
I found this online dating agency
where a sorcerer can meet a sorceress
and learn the charms that leave a witch impressed.
Like eye of a toad, foot of a rabbit,
spawn of frog and a box of black magic.
I saw this spell that caught my interest:
How to Meet a Witch – just follow these steps!

Wear your clothes inside out and the wrong way round
Walk backwards to where two roads connect
Wait until the chimes of midnight sound
A witch will appear and grant any request

Grant any request! I thought, I’ll try it tonight
and hope I get a witch who’s a bit of alright.
So I hang around until the pubs have closed,
do that rigmarole with all my clothes,
reach the end of the road as midnight struck,
look out for a witch and hope I’m in luck.
Then it transpired as I should have foresaw,
before my eyes appears the mother-in-law.