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May 19, 2023
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Wish Upon a Star
If I could wish upon a star
I wouldn't use that wish for me
though I'm hurting and in need
I wouldn't use that wish to flee
I would fly up to that bright north star
and sit upon its great big lap
I would tell it that I came afar
with one wish upon my lips
My wish isn't little and won't be easy
it will be hard to grant and might not come true
this wish I have kept in the pocket of my heart
for years and now I'll tell it to you
I wish that this world could look in the mirror
that it would see the hurt that its caused
I wish that this world could see clearer
and clean up the mess it made
I wish that the people wouldn't have shame
that we could all live in harmony
I wish that parents loved their children
and wish the rich will share their money
I wish that drugs and alcohol didn't make you sick
I wish no mother, father, or child will sleep out on the street
I wish that boys would grow up soon and never be a dick
and that everyone would always have food in sight
I wish that no one knew what heart ache was
and that all people know of love
I wish that we all had the strongest faith
and had souls like a bright white dove
So please north star, grant my wish
though it may be from a child
I really want to help this world
so God might finally smile
— Viviana Smith, May 19, 2023
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About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium)
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem conveys a heartfelt and earnest desire for a better world, expressed through the metaphor of wishing upon a star. The voice is sincere and childlike, which suits the theme of hope and innocence. The poem's structure, with its straightforward rhyme scheme and rhythm, supports the accessibility and emotional clarity of the message.
To enhance the poem's impact, consider the following suggestions:
1. **Imagery and Specificity:** While the poem lists many wishes, adding more vivid imagery or specific scenes could deepen the reader's emotional connection. For example, instead of "clean up the mess it made," you might describe a particular kind of mess or its consequences, making the abstract more tangible.
2. **Consistency in Tone and Language:** The poem shifts between simple, direct language ("I wish that boys would grow up soon and never be a dick") and more formal or poetic phrases ("souls like a bright white dove"). This contrast can be effective but might also feel uneven. Reflect on whether you want to maintain a childlike voice throughout or blend maturity with innocence more deliberately.
3. **Rhythm and Flow:** Some lines feel slightly uneven in meter, which can disrupt the reading flow. Reading the poem aloud and adjusting line lengths or word choices could improve the rhythm, making the poem smoother and more musical.
4. **Line Breaks and Punctuation:** Introducing more deliberate line breaks and punctuation can help emphasize key ideas and control pacing. For instance, breaking longer lines into shorter ones can create pauses that allow important sentiments to resonate.
5. **Ending Strength:** The closing stanza is poignant but could be strengthened by sharpening the final image or thought. The phrase "so God might finally smile" is powerful; consider building up to this moment with more tension or hope earlier in the poem to maximize its effect.
Overall, the poem’s earnestness and hopeful tone are compelling. With some refinement in imagery, tone consistency, and rhythm, the poem could become even more resonant and memorable.
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RoseBlack
3 years ago
This is fantastic
Well done! The careful thought put into your poem and 'wish' was well developed. I love how you used the North Star as a point of contact and addressed so many things going on in the world that need fixing. You were right about it not being an easy wish but it is a good one. Great job!