TREK CUT SHORT

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem offers a reflective, narrative account of a walk in the snow, employing a straightforward, observational style. The imagery is concrete and accessible, with attention to sensory details such as the feel of snow on the coat, the crack of a stick, and the shiver from snow down the neck. The poem’s structure is consistent, using quatrains with an ABAB rhyme scheme, though the rhyme and meter are sometimes uneven.

Several strengths are evident in the poem’s use of specific natural imagery: “poplars’ crown,” “cedars turn thick,” and “male cardinal / with a raised crest flared on his head” all create a clear sense of place. The poem’s narrative arc—from the anticipation of rare snow, through the encounter with wildlife, to the decision to return home—provides cohesion and a sense of progression.

There are, however, areas where the poem could be strengthened:

1. **Meter and Rhyme Consistency:** The poem’s meter is irregular, and the rhyme scheme is sometimes forced or inconsistent. For example, in the first stanza, “fall” and “path” do not rhyme, which disrupts the ABAB pattern. Consider revising lines to create a more consistent rhythm and rhyme, or intentionally embrace free verse if strict form is not a priority.

2. **Syntax and Word Choice:** Some lines are syntactically awkward or contain errors. For example, “I watch as her white tail leave” should be “leaves,” and “sheds the the sparse snow with their swings” contains a repeated “the.” Additionally, “before I trip upon a an unseen vine” contains an extra article. Careful proofreading would address these issues.

3. **Imagery and Clarity:** While much of the imagery is effective, some lines could be clarified or made more vivid. For instance, “the sleeves of my old coat / as they join with their brethren” could be misread as the sleeves joining with brethren, rather than the snowflakes. Rephrasing for clarity would strengthen the imagery.

4. **Cliché and Originality:** Some phrases, such as “leave my footprints here” and “shiver down my spine,” are familiar and could be reimagined to offer a fresher perspective. Striving for more original language would help the poem stand out.

5. **Pacing and Focus:** The poem covers several small events in quick succession (snowfall, deer, cardinal, wind, return home). Consider whether each moment receives sufficient attention, or if some could be expanded or omitted to create a more focused emotional impact.

Overall, the poem effectively captures a quiet, contemplative walk in the snow, using concrete images and a narrative structure. Attention to meter, syntax, and originality of language would further enhance its impact.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact

Enjoyed the read. Starts off well, the first stanza's rhyme and rhythm should be a template for what follows but isn't quite. I don't know the word "duff" in this sense. In the UK up the duff is slanf for being pregnant. 

Maybe "their only float"? The rhyme is missing in stanza 3, rare and there would be easy enough. 

The rhythm is patchy in places and the poem deserves a stronger ending, for there's a lot to like.

Aren't you referring to snowflakes rather than leaves?