Rula

Mar 08, 2017 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

That Too Shall Pass... A sonnet

It's night; the day has shut its wilder eyes
and moon descends with stretching silver rays,
it crept where crystal gems in tiny size
are out in wait for lovers' fawning praise.
The hours would slowly go, the rhythm's down,
no flattering, or words of praise expressed,
no laughs, or songs , the sky's about to frown,
the Earth becomes a hell, no one's impressed.
However dim, the dark shall also pass
when dawn in colours show its aureate thread;
extracted tresses of a charming lass
are laid with careful hands on morning's bed;

It's utmost dim that gives the birth to morns,
and prettiest roses grow amid the thorns.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and , Poets are humanity when the world lose it.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

scribbler

9 years 1 month ago

Hi Rula

Since I suck at sonnets I'll say nothing about form but I Did enjoy the read..............stan

Rula

9 years 1 month ago

Lol Stan

I still have the faith that you will write an exceptional one someday...soon

weirdelf

9 years 1 month ago

When is Scott's workshop?

Or have you neglected to update your signature lately?

weirdelf

9 years 1 month ago

Would you like me to parse this for you, Rula?

I don't mind, it's good practice.

Rula

9 years 1 month ago

I sure appreciate it Jess

I still have faith that scott will come back with his workshop, don't know.

weirdelf

9 years 1 month ago

Remember, parsing is not an exact science, you may disagree

That Too Shall Pass... A sonnet

It's night/; the day/ has shut/ its wild/er eyes
and moon/ descends/ with stretch/ing sil/ver rays,
it crept/ where cry/stal gems/ in ti/ny size
are out/ in wait/ for lov/ers' flatt/ering praise. [ering praise - Anapestic]
The hours/ would slow/ly go/, the rhyth/m's down,
no flatt/ering,/ or words/ of praise/ expressed,
no laughs/, or songs/ , the sky's/ about/ to frown,
the earth/ becomes/ a hell/, no one's/ impressed [no one's - Trochaic]
However dim/, /the dark/ shall al/so pass [However dim/ - Anapestic]
when dawn/ in col/ours show/ its aur/eat thread;
extract/ed tress/es of/ a charm/ing lass
are laid/ with care/ful hands/ on morn/ing's bed;

It's ut/most dim/ that gives/ the birth/ to morns,
and so/ do prett/y roses/ grow with/ thorns. [ grow with - Trochaic]

weirdelf

9 years 1 month ago

.

weirdelf

9 years 1 month ago

See Classification

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metre_(poetry)

Rula

9 years 1 month ago

So grateful for the effort Jess

I agree with you on
are OUT|| in WAIT||for LOV|| ers' FLATT||erring PRAISE. [ering praise - Anapestic
I still think it reads smooth or at least doesn't disturb the read, what do you think?

however,
I can't agree that "however" is anapestic. howE|| ver DIM is how I pronounce.

and this is how I parse the last line
and SO|| do PRETT||y ROS||es GROW|| with THORNS.

Keith Logan

9 years 1 month ago

I agree

with your reading of this but also realize that in different parts of the world there may be alternative pronunciations. The only line with any real problem is the fourth where "flattering" has three beats and ideally a word with just two would be better. (I don't recommend flat'ring).

Rula

9 years 1 month ago

Keith

Thank you. I am trying to find a good alternative. Any suggestions?

Keith Logan

9 years 1 month ago

Not easy

because it requires getting into your mindset. Something like faithful or honest, sincere?

Gunnar Hedlund

9 years 1 month ago

As lovely as it is

there are a few bumps, as Jess pointed. Also, 11 syllables in some lines.
But I still enjoyed the read.

weirdelf

9 years 1 month ago

true

it is not an exact science

Rula

9 years 1 month ago

Shall do the revisions soon.

Shall do the revisions soon.
Many thanks for reading and the kind comment GH,

Keith Logan

9 years ago

Counts

are not always reliable. It can be as few as nine if the poem starts with a headless iamb or as many as eleven where there is a feminine ending.

Esker

9 years 1 month ago

last line is lovely

'grown with thorns'
my only want of change
an exceptional poem!

Thank U Rula!

Mr Wolf!

Rula

9 years 1 month ago

Thank you Mr. Wolf

Your suggestion is noted. Shall edit when all the changes are decided. Thank you.

Esker

9 years ago

in addition

this poem is exceptionally beautiful..
thank U

Mr Wolf!

weirdelf

9 years 1 month ago

excellent revisions

I say parsing is not an exact science, yet the change of not just a word but even a syllable can change the whole thing.
Bloody well done, Rula, you exemplify the aspirations of Neopoet.
I applaud you.

Rula

9 years ago

Thank you

Jess. Your thoughts and visits are always appreciated.

Keith Logan

9 years ago

OK, I am no expert

but should not both Earth and Hell be capitalized?
and prettiest roses grow amid the thorns.

weirdelf

9 years ago

You are no expert is proved by your last two comments

about working in classic forms.

Caps for Earth, Hell, God or other major concepts can be contextual or political, part of meaning.
eg I never cap god, partly to be purposely provocative.

Keith Logan

9 years ago

Thank you

for the correction.

Rula

9 years ago

Hello Keith

your suggestion re the last line makes a lot of sense. I really like it. Thank you.
As for the "Earth" and the "Hell", I thought I would capitalize the "Hell" Only if I mean it as a place where the dead will eventually go, as in the Heaven and the Hell, but I wanted it as a place full of pain and turmoil, However, I agree with you about the word "Earth"
Thank you for the priceless visit. It means me a lot when someone comes more than once to offer such valuable thoughts.

Keith Logan

9 years ago

I echo

what I wrote to Weirdelf.

Rula

9 years ago

hello Terry

I really appreciate your kind visit and the supporting words.
I too appreciate your interference with Keith.
Thank you again.

wesley snow

9 years ago

I am so pleased...

and proud of the poet you have become. I am grateful I had a hand in aiding the transformation. Weirdelf is correct. You have outgrown me. The student becomes the teacher.

Rula

9 years ago

Hello dear sir,

can't express my pleasure to see you back with your gentle comment, you make my day.
Welcome back!!

Sparrow

9 years ago

Dear Rula

Lovely to see you back again, sorry I missed this one.
It was a lovely read and well written.
One word bothered me that was:- "aureate" I believe it needs an "E" on the end unless I have a bad dictionary.
Look forward to more from your keys..
Yours as always, Ian xx

Rula

9 years ago

dear Ian

many thanks for the kind visit and the hawk eye. Your visit means a lot.

Rula

9 years ago

Thank you all

and sorry for the mixed-up replies. Seems like a glitch prevented to put each reply under the meant comment.
I apologize