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May 18, 2023
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Time
If time is a river, where does it flow
To the sea or the edge of the earth?
In life and in death, and the time that we know
Can we come back anew for rebirth?
If time is a road, where does it lead
Is it too far from the here and the now?
Does it grow strong like an invasive weed
On the sun dappled vines of a bough
If the passing of time means you’ve come to the end
Fear not, embrace journey with open sight
I don’t know what is true so I won’t pretend
I'll float into distant light
— Ruby Lord, May 18, 2023
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About This Poem
Last Few Words: I'd like any thoughts you have on the subject, the meter and the rhyme. Many thanks in advance. Ruby :)
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem explores time through a series of metaphors—river, road, and the passage toward an uncertain end. The structure is consistent, with three quatrains, each developing a distinct image. The use of questions in the first two stanzas invites reflection and uncertainty, which aligns with the poem’s philosophical tone.
The metaphors are familiar but effective: time as a river and a road both suggest movement and inevitability. The poem’s language is accessible, though some images could be clarified or made more original. For example, “the sun dappled vines of a bough” is evocative, but the connection between invasive weeds and time’s progression could be developed further for clarity.
The rhyme scheme is mostly consistent (ABAB), though there are some slant rhymes (“now”/“bough”) that may be intentional but could disrupt the musicality for some readers. The final stanza shifts from questioning to a gentle acceptance, which provides a sense of closure. The phrase “float into distant light” is a soft, ambiguous ending that suits the poem’s contemplative mood.
To strengthen the poem, consider deepening the imagery and tightening the metaphors to avoid abstraction. Exploring more specific or personal details could also help distinguish the poem from other meditations on time. The poem’s structure and progression are clear, but further attention to language and originality would enhance its impact.
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Obadiah Grey
3 years ago
"If time is a river, where
"If time is a river, where does it flow
To the sea or the edge of the earth?
In life and death, and the time that we know
Can we return by a Buddhist rebirth?
If time is a road, where does it lead
Is it too far from the here and the now?
Does it grow strong like an invasive weed
On the sun dappled vines of a bough"
These are the stanzas that I find poetic, Ruby.
Though "Buddhist rebirth" sounds slightly clunky to me.
Obi.
(BTW, I'm with Spinoza's God)
Ruby Lord
3 years ago
Thank you Obi, I'll take a
Thank you Obi, I'll take a look at that. Yes, I struggled fitting it in a little. I really appreciate your comments, it makes me think about how to sharpen it and say less but give more life to it? Ruby :) And I had to google Spinoza to find out who/what that was. More reading I think.