Madderose

Jul 21, 2017 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Summertime hues

the haze hovers
as I trundle my tired
body down the hill
off to work I slowly go
slower than the grid locked traffic
that I see peripherally

I shake my mind, loosen the grit
there and then decide to focus
on the pastel hues on the
higher up hill instead

hazed out they hover
dance against the breaking blue sky
standing shoulder to shoulder
like friends from a junior school photo

pink, yellow, murky green
one is a colour I can't describe,
hard to see
is it mauve, violet or brown
I squint, ohhh yes I know it now
pebbledash
glistening
reminds me of the sea
Oh those sweet terraced houses
have tempted me

I stop on this gorgeous blue sky day
take out my phone and call work
then I call my bludger mate and
say 'come to the beach, and play with me
I'm a bit naughty, I've just chucked a sickie!'

About This Poem

Last Few Words: To be fair it was a sunny and gorgeous day. But I got sunburnt, which was hard to cover up the next day I went back into work. Lesson learnt. Wear sunscreen!

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Bristol, UK., GBR

Comments

vandiemenspeak

8 years 3 months ago

A very vivid picture is painted..

There are some really nicely crafted lines here Maddy..I really loved:

"I shake my mind, loosen the grit"

You're finding natrual rythm in words (the above is four perfectly formed little iambic feet - de DUM de DUM de DUM de DUM)

And this:

"dance against the breaking blue sky"

you could use:
dance against the break blue sky - just dropping the ing makes it scan better, see left, and maybe gives a sense of the sea.. (which would be the opposite stress to the above, TEE tum TEE tum TEE tum TEE... notice the last part of this foot is missing? That's fine, it's just an unstressed ending - but this is the opposite way round to your above line (iambic) whereas this one is trochaic or a trochee foot, where the stress is reversed.
You can focus on writing in purley one of these meters - or mix them interestingly like you have in this little gem, love it!

Check out this for the difference between your two meters present here in your piece:
http://www.tnellen.com/cybereng/forms.html

This is an interesting shift from the outset to the poem, till it's conclusion with "chucked a sickie" which is kind of an Australianism - we use the same term for a "skive day"

Good for you, I hope it was worth it.

Thanks, and keep writing.

Chris.

Madderose

8 years 3 months ago

Lots to take in.Thanks for

Lots to take in.Thanks for your suggestions!
My Aussie flat mate is influencing me. (Not that we 'chuck sickies' much. Honestly.!)
I'll work on what you suggested soon.
Cheers!

vandiemenspeak

8 years 3 months ago

Ahh..

That explains it.. someone told me , good advice mind you, that if you can get the piece on the page, and it feels right, sit on it for a while, read it aloud (lots) - this may make for a slightly eccentric flatmate, but I'm sure they won't mind..:)
Soon it will make more sense, metrically, structurally, or if it's free verse, you will sense its flow.

Take care,

Chris.

weirdelf

8 years 3 months ago

Chris won't steer you wrong

He's pretty much said it all, yes a spry wee poem.
I do have a little niggle with that last line (you'll get used to this, I'm a niggly old bastard, it's my job).
To me it feels just a tad disingenuous, like look at me, I'm naughty. Perhaps it's supposed to, perhaps it's a Brit thing, perhaps I've got a slacker work ethic [grins].

Keith Logan

8 years 3 months ago

It is

a Brit thing. We tend to self deprecate.

Madderose

8 years 3 months ago

Thank you both for your

Thank you both for your comments.
I actually wanted this poem to be about those cute little terraced houses. But then I carried away with the last stanza. It was the truth though....
I'll try and write more when my flatmates home and run it by them first.
But knowing us it could get kookier!

Keith Logan

8 years 3 months ago

Slightly curious.

In the fourth verse are you describing bracken? I like your gorgeous blue sky day. As a fellow Brit I understand that naughty feeling at the end. By the way, normally I would be a bit picky about the use of haze and hazed out but it works for me. I also like the way you start, trundling a tired body. Nothing is perfect but this is close enough for me to not feel inclined to nit pick.