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Apr 14, 2011
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Somewhere In Seattle
Take a walk with me. Around this flat
uneven road. The bends of drooping pines and blushing chimneys
puffing smoke. And rain melts into daffodils. A woodpecker
on my windowsill. Two crows on the wire line.
And a street of cars winding around the cul-de-sac. The stop sign
overlooks the manhole. I-90 at a distance. There is sunset
falling on Mercer Island. It presses kisses on green.
Some bodies of blue and the Light Rail is rushing. A quiet breath
then clouds cast a shadow over Mt. Rainier...
Two blocks and you toe a line. As if I need a reminder
to watch the children. The rows of empty houses and ghosts.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: this poem is submitted to the publisher. too late, I realized I should have asked for critiques first lol! never too late for improvement though :)
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
CCfire
15 years ago
Unique voice
Lilian, I've always admired your voice, this gives me the sense of you looking out a window and capturing a moment in time and it's flow is perfect to read. The metaphors give you stillness, movement and space with soft sotto voice and well I can't knock you on your back because I wouldn't change this much. I enjoy these small blocks of thought that you write. Hugs.
scribbler
15 years ago
hello
I believe this is an example of prose ? I enjoyed it and would only have changed the form to break it into verses.Of course that's just me, being a mainly"classic" writer myself. The description of sights and thoughts were very good.................scribbler
Red Card
15 years ago
One thing you've always been
One thing you've always been good at doing is creating a vivid scene. :)
Esker
13 years 1 month ago
links through links
listening to Elliot smith and found this
circituous route
a long hard day out there
and now the poem
"blushing chimneys" excellent writing!!
scribbler
13 years 1 month ago
I'm BAAACK lol
I revisited this and came up with some alternatives you can think about. :
I-90 murmurs at a distance
It bestows kisses on green
I would have ended this with "and ghosts" being the final line.................just a few ideas.............stan