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Apr 21, 2011
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Silent Observer (Co-write with Ziggy)
I am the silent observer
the mute intruder.
Trespassing upon conversations,
glimpsing expressions, glancing stare.
A fleeting mood,
lasting first impressions intrude.
Opportunistic eye catcher,
no words a silent smile, capturing you.
Transient, bypassing in-depth inspection
Skimming the surface, scanning your psyche,
nothing but a brief interlude.
Minimal interaction, self preservation, I conclude,
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Candlewitch
15 years ago
Hello, Lady and Gent,
Your collaboration is as smooth as coffee and cream. A beautiful and intuitive blending result of the melding of two minds with one idea. You work well together, as evidenced here. my favorite lines:
A fleeting mood,
lasting first impressions intrude.
Opportunistic eye catcher,
no words a silent smile, capturing you.
but then, the ending lines are superb! I love the title and the content. It flows wonderfully and the language usage is flawless.
love, Cat
lou
15 years ago
Hi Cat
I really enjoy writing with Ziggy, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed the result, I'm sure Zigs will be pleased to.
Much love Lou
Hooded Stranger
15 years ago
Zigs & Lou
Zigs & Lou,
the theme is brilliant, the silent observer is a character that fits my novel and I could feel this person taking it all in from within the shadows.
It has a feel of 'Eddie Styx'.
I enjoyed the rhyme and I think I know who wrote each stanza...although they ran into each other seamlessly.
I kept tripping over my tongue with this line:
Opportunistic eye catcher
It just feels too complicated and too much of a tongue-twister for me.
Good quality write, you work well together.
regards,
HS
lou
15 years ago
Dan
Zigs came up with basic theme, I contributed my ideas. I think your right about that line, I'll have a word with ziggy.
I'd be interested to see if you can pick which lines are mine and which belong to Zigs.
Glad that you enjoyed the poem.
Lou
ziggy
15 years ago
hi,
always a pleasure to co-write with you louise
"Opportunistic eye catcher, ,,,,mmm will think on it
catch up with ye all soon,,,,working long hard days
this weather ,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs
lou
15 years ago
Zigs
Speak to you soon Bud.
Love Lou xx
Race_9togo
15 years ago
Hi Lou
Damn, but you and Ziggy write good collaborative poetry.
I really don't see anything I would change, and unlike Dan I like the "opportunistic" line. Interesting, how much preferences and opinions can vary.
There's a strength that I love in this write, an absolute certainty of poise and self confidence.
Way, way good, you two!
lou
15 years ago
Jim
I'm happy that you enjoyed our poem so much, not sure what to do about that line.
Lou
Eduardo Cruz
15 years ago
Ziggy & lou
This is impressive, I love how you bring out the characteristics of the silent observer.
So very well constructed.
bravo!
lou
15 years ago
Eddie
Thank you very much.
Lou
lou
15 years ago
Xena
Thanks xena
Love lou
ziggy
15 years ago
hi there all
cheers for the great feed back
this is going down better than I expected lol
Louise you made this write complete from a
couple of unfinished stanza I sent you so
thank you ,,,,,,,zigs
lou
15 years ago
Hey Zigs
Thanks, but you had a great frame work in place.
much love Louise xx