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Jul 18, 2023
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Shifting gears of life
1st gear,
Strange new place,
Dawn of consciousness is here,
Confusion at seeing the first face,
Potent all in experience,
The fourth anniversary of existence,
Lost the proper sequence,
Somewhere inside is deep resistance,
No landmarks and very lost,
Within the depth of memories,
Frozen in fear and layers of permafrost.
2nd gear,
Getting oriented to this sensation,
Accumulation of fear,
Constantly lost in contemplation,
Understanding what it is to be alive,
The event was unsettling to the core,
Unrelenting need to survive,
Even young, I realized what this is was something more.
3rd gear,
Building Shakey foundations,
Adopting more anger than I can bear,
Jumping into freedom fountains,
Straighten out my steering,
Growing to see above the dash,
Demons stare from shadows sneering,
The next year's decisions will be the crash.
4th gear,
Foot to the floor,
Gripped by evil far and near,
Leading to crystal meths front door,
Resist it's invitation,
By the time the thought registered was too late,
Not even a phase of initiation,
My world now clashed with fate.
5th gear,
The most abrupt change,
Wipe away a tear,
The sudden jump felt strange,
This is the highest we can go,
But I always need just another one,
Intoxication gives life a certain glow,
And steals it back making it no longer any fun.
6th gear,
Remember I said I need another,
Cravings coming up on the rear,
I've hurt many and my mother,
Those close and those farther away,
The past never accepts apologies,
But the sky around isn't so grey,
Because it is hard work to address your anomalies.
— Tyler Jakeway, Jul 18, 2023
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About This Poem
Last Few Words: Comparison of being in the world, and how I relate it to my affinity for cars.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem uses the metaphor of shifting gears to explore the stages of life and personal struggle, which is a compelling structural choice. The progression from "1st gear" to "6th gear" effectively conveys a journey through confusion, fear, rebellion, addiction, and attempts at recovery.
Strengths: - The gear metaphor provides a clear framework, giving the poem coherence and a sense of forward momentum. - The emotional tone shifts appropriately with each gear, reflecting the changing internal states. - The imagery, such as "Frozen in fear and layers of permafrost" and "Demons stare from shadows sneering," evokes vivid emotional landscapes.
Areas for improvement: 1. **Clarity and Consistency**: Some lines feel abstract or ambiguous, which can disrupt reader engagement. For example, "The fourth anniversary of existence" in the first stanza is intriguing but might benefit from clearer context—does it refer to age, sobriety, or something else? Clarifying such points can deepen impact.
2. **Rhythm and Flow**: The poem’s free verse style is fitting, but varying line lengths and punctuation could be refined to enhance rhythm. For instance, some stanzas could benefit from more deliberate line breaks to emphasize key emotions or images.
3. **Imagery and Specificity**: While some images are strong, others could be more concrete to ground the reader. For example, "Intoxication gives life a certain glow" is a relatable idea but might be enriched by sensory details or metaphor to make the experience more tangible.
4. **Emotional Arc Resolution**: The final stanza introduces hope with "the sky around isn't so grey," but the phrasing "it is hard work to address your anomalies" feels somewhat clinical and distant. Consider rephrasing to maintain the poem’s emotional intimacy and to end on a more resonant note.
Overall, this poem effectively captures a difficult personal journey through its metaphor of shifting gears. With attention to clarity, rhythm, and emotional nuance, it can become even more powerful and accessible.
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