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Oct 19, 2023
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To A Secret Garden
Past the gate unhinged and worn,
‘Round the ruins, towering old;
Down the hill of grass and thorn,
To the brook that’s clear and cold.
Cross the rill, then in the wood,
Spy the beech which is beyond;
Scan for trunk where oak once stood,
Find the stump, then search for pond.
Near a pool a wall will wind,
Fringed and tall with stone and grass;
But where side has trumpet vine,
Slip behind so you can pass.
There concealed are gaps in rock,
Where you’ll pass without a care;
And when you move past the block,
You will stand astonished there.
For inside this secret place,
Fields of flowers greet your eyes;
Such as Sage and Queen Anne’s Lace,
Or wild Jasmine large in size.
Cobbled stone paths to and fro -
Tiny waterfalls and streams;
Shrubs in bloom each way you go,
Floral scents beyond your dreams.
Morning Glories drape the wall,
Peonies grow near the walk;
Asters lined up nice and tall,
Lovely Snowdrops white as chalk.
Statuaries placed with care,
Bright Saint John’s Wort on a mound;
Rhododendrons near a chair,
Lavender spread on the ground.
In the trees a bluebird sings,
As a toad jumps left and right;
Quick the hummingbird moves wings,
While the butterfly takes flight.
In this peaceful Xanadu,
Wondrous scenes will heal the mind;
So in life may you pursue
Glorious gardens hard to find.
— paleoray, Oct 19, 2023
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About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem offers a vivid and immersive journey into a secret garden, effectively using descriptive imagery to evoke a serene and enchanting atmosphere. The consistent rhyme scheme and rhythmic flow contribute to a gentle, almost musical quality that suits the tranquil subject matter.
Strengths: - The progression through the garden is clear and well-structured, guiding the reader step-by-step and building anticipation. - The use of specific botanical references (e.g., Sage, Queen Anne’s Lace, Peonies, Rhododendrons) adds authenticity and richness to the setting. - The sensory details—visual (flowers, statues), auditory (bluebird singing, hummingbird wings), and olfactory (floral scents)—create a multi-dimensional experience. - The closing couplet effectively ties the garden’s peacefulness to a broader life lesson, giving the poem thematic depth.
Areas for potential improvement: - Some lines feel slightly forced to fit the rhyme scheme, which occasionally affects natural phrasing. For example, “Slip behind so you can pass” is a bit prosaic compared to the more lyrical lines around it. - The poem relies heavily on listing flora and fauna, which, while evocative, can risk becoming a catalog rather than a narrative or emotional journey. Introducing more personal reflection or metaphor could deepen engagement. - Consider varying line length or meter slightly to enhance the musicality and avoid predictability. - The phrase “In this peaceful Xanadu” introduces a cultural reference that might feel slightly out of place with the otherwise naturalistic tone. Clarifying or expanding on this could help integrate it more smoothly.
Overall, the poem succeeds in transporting the reader to a secret garden filled with beauty and tranquility. With some refinement in phrasing and thematic layering, it could achieve even greater emotional resonance.
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Lavender
2 years 7 months ago
To A Secret Garden
What a lovely little journey! After passing through the curious gate, I found myself walking a little faster the closer I got to the garden. You've spent some time with this poem. The rhyme is unforced and so endearing. I hope you enjoyed writing this gem. Lovely!
Thank you,
L
paleoray
2 years 7 months ago
Thank you for visiting this
Thank you for visiting this poem today and for sharing your lovely comments. So glad you enjoyed it.