Rain

Rain, rain, rain. Looking inside your window payne as I introduce you to my name
Soon as I opened the door of love, may I receive the key to your heart? For I want to further proceed, burning desire to set a flame
Rain, rain, rain down on me shawty spread your wings and fly
The clouds of love awaits for us to express our feelings and not hide, open up don’t be shy
Thunderstorms as we reveal our darkest secrets, only with you will I release this side of me
Praying the rain will wash it away, as we form a puddle of passion looking at the reflection of we
O, rain down on me, rain down on me allow this godly man to direct my ship in your godly sea
Waves as the friction we make up and down motions
O, my, o, my nothing like spending days in your ocean
Aaron Brack

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United States

Comments

Candlewitch

3 years 4 months ago

dear Aaron,

first of all some of your lines are too long. reformatted, this is how it would look:

Rain, rain, rain. Looking inside your window payne
as I introduce you to my name
Soon as I opened the door of love,
may I receive the key to your heart?
For I want to further proceed, burning desire to set a flame
Rain, rain, rain down on me shawty spread your wings and fly
The clouds of love awaits for us to express our feelings
and not hide, open up don’t be shy
Thunderstorms as we reveal our darkest secrets,
only with you will I release this side of me
Praying the rain will wash it away,
as we form a puddle of passion looking at the reflection of we
O, rain down on me, rain down on me
allow this godly man to direct my ship in your godly sea
Waves as the friction we make up and down motions
O, my, o, my nothing like spending days in your ocean

payne is misspelled
and what is(shawty?)

I like your title and the message of your poem. I will come back and reread it after you have worked on it.

*hugs, Cat

p.s.
welcome to Neopoet! it is nice to meet you. if you need any help, please just ask :)

Aaron Brack

3 years 4 months ago

Thank you so much Cat. I

Thank you so much Cat. I truly appreciate this feed back. I’m excited to learn. Shawty is a term for a woman. Okay sounds good.

Rosewood Apothecary

3 years 4 months ago

Welcome

Welcome to the site. I like your style. Cat is a great help here and she offers great critique. I agree that reformatting the lines will force the reader into your pattern. Try reading it back and seeing really where the rests are. I’m also a songwriter and lyricist I may be able to help in a plethora of ways. Tupac had a very unique style and a commanding delivery of the lines. Not only were the words amazing and socially aware he really had some impeccable timing with the delivery. He’s probably also my favorite rapper. Welcome and I look forward to hearing more.

Tim

Aaron Brack

3 years 4 months ago

Thank you so much Tim. I

Thank you so much Tim. I agree on Tupac to the fullest. Man I know you can help me in many ways to be a better song writer and poet. Eager to work with you.

Rosewood Apothecary

3 years 4 months ago