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May 22, 2017
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Pure Imagination
Pure Imagination
Sitting at the computer
tipping my fingers
on the key board
not so silent as before
my spouse hears me from miles
and
knows I am still ticking alive...
like a
Time bomb
What will happen
when she is in the kitchen
prepare a soft night's meal for me
and
my ticking and tapping fails
my heart derails
will she know
whatever happened
in those few moments
I flew away....
No one will...
when and how
it all suddenly
happened
'tis the unknowns
Will
and
she will ask her kids
where's
the
WILL
THE ULTIMATE!
Will I know it still!
— lovedly, May 22, 2017
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About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Rough draft
Critiques
lovedly
9 years 2 months ago
a bit of editing needed
i know needs minor edit
can you find it
vandiemenspeak
9 years 2 months ago
Lovely images, and emotional transference here..
This is my favourite poem of yours so far Lovedly..
It has some touching , simple moments, where you let the language relax into the transmission of emotion,
like:
knows I am still ticking alive...
like a
Time bomb
Gives a sense of building emotion, nice language use
I thought that this would have been the perfect ending point:
will she know
whatever happened
in those few moments
I flew away....
It just seems that way to me, an evocation of thought, - with beautiful language.
Just my suggestion, really nice piece.
Take care,
Chris.
lovedly
9 years 2 months ago
This is my favourite poem of yours so far Lovedly..
so kind of you VS
for spicing up my emotional piece
as I play about at the laps
not hers
but atop
till late after midnite
as she sleeps
and
in another room not far from me
In an AC
I like fresh air mostly
in closed quarters
I feel de-breathed
Candlewitch
9 years 2 months ago
dear lovedly,
to me this sounded like a wistful piece (I like to read out loud, to derive maximum enjoyments pleasure) I see loneliness and isolation. the two main characters separated by the distance of their likes/dislikes and hopes/desires. I very much liked it as I could relate to it because of my relationship with my oldest sister. when she phones me, she tells me all her troubles. and never asks about mine. either she assumes I have none or else she doesn't care :(
excellent poem!
*hugs, Cat
lovedly
9 years 2 months ago
to me this sounded like a wistful piece
Dear Lady Cat
Am I still dreaming
that you are stealthily stepping
across the brocade of my poetry
and
find it lovely
read worthy loudly
Cat do pinch me
I will feel happy
you walked my way today
aaaaafter agesssss
had you warned me
I woul d have laid a red carpet
O I can't believe it
you read me
after a long gaaaaaaaaaaap
twoday
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