Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Jul 01, 2016
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Phoenix I
I set myself aflame to purge myself of sin
The fire sears me deep beneath my leper's skin
Yet cannot heal the scars that bleed the heart within
I seek for peace of mind to still my sorrow's din
Alone I've wandered years a Cain of restless path
Blind from acid tears beset by storms of wrath
But neither miles or time can my missteps rescind
The faith of Job is lost drowned in scalding rain
The ghosts of dreams abound of rape by folly slain
They weep and shriek for grace but rot forsaken in their graves
The shame of failure galls the spirit shrinks and twists
As hope of living palls and perseverance proves a bitch
Still I travel on refusing to give in
With strength of will near gone I find my inward wind
Though an orphan scorned by luck I am of phoenix grain
However oft I fall to dust from blaze of bones I rise again
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is my first poem published on this site. I wrote it to inspire myself and all others who are struggling, and have struggled, with life, and the questions of their existence/purpose. It is short and simple and from my heart. I an not at all shy of criticism as I want my poetry to always be the best it can be. Thank you in advance for your interest/commentary.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Esker
9 years 4 months ago
cool and heavy
great word use
last two lines are great
like we want
the beginning to be great
and the ending
what they told me about
movies
when they were teaching me
I was out there for a time..
momma dropped me on my head
this poem...the longer lines
with the steady pace of words
man..I listen too some rap
and I like it....the delivery is
supposed to be faster then
just regular speakin'
other then that I just like all
the use of words and
got a good cohesive structure
with all that going on..
a universal feeling
thank U!
judyanne
9 years 4 months ago
great word usage
and pacing
Both contribute to make this quite powerful...
one thing that (just in my opinion, mind you) detracts from the pacing, and thus rhythm, is the lack of punctuation, notably commas... the reader needs to know where to pause...
I set myself aflame, to purge myself of sin.
The fire sears me deep, beneath my leper's skin,
yet cannot heal the scars that bleed the heart within.....
I find it especially needs a comma for the rhythm at
Still I travel on refusing to give in
still I travel on, refusing to give in.....
I enjoyed this write
welcome, again, to neopoet
love judy
xxx