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judyanne
judyanne
Jul 01, 2016 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Paradise Lost

I was
two sided mintage;
sculptured perfection;
both stranger and pilgrim,
passing through.

But I lived as if I forever
belonged to this land.

And, within the violence of
forgotten illusion
where past and future
merge as today,

the coin has lost the emboss;

has become scratched metal,
unable to grasp
the truth of the now.
.

— judyanne, Jul 01, 2016

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story

More from this author

Critiques

Esker

Esker

9 years 11 months ago

deeply philosphically

moving
painting a seascene
or the emotive
power of human
endurance and survival
U do both well

and for all living
is something we
strive and whats
best for us!

thank U!

Esker

Esker

9 years 11 months ago

I see what U mean now

all the analogies metaphor
value...the meaning
of meaning
the mar of life
losing the gift that
which was given in
our eye
the impression remains
memory

thank U!

EP

eleanor prince

9 years 11 months ago

Really enjoyed your poem - it

Really enjoyed your poem - it feels innovative in style and interesting in content. At first a line jarred a bit but I'm not sure how to correct it, if at all...warming to it:

as past and future
merge to today,

Thought at first to delete 'to today' as it feels a bit cumbersome repetition of 'to', and I felt it would suggest today anyway... Maybe:

as past and future
meet this day (or: 'merge to the present')

Loved:

within the violence of
forgotten illusion

judyanne

judyanne

9 years 11 months ago

hello eleanor

Glad you enjoyed this
Thanks so much for your thoughts - I will think about your suggestion
love judy
xxx

vandiemenspeak

vandiemenspeak

9 years 11 months ago

Feels like a song of another country

A lost country, a past that was perfect, untarnished. The future uncertain. i particularly liked the symbol of the coin, scratched away, losing it's meaning, as though a coin toss would mean nothing, perhaps? Very prescient given our current situation down here. loved this Judy, nothing to suggest :)

Take care,

Chris.

judyanne

judyanne

9 years 11 months ago

hi Chris

Thanks heaps for the read and very supportive comment
love judy
xxx