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Pallas
I.
I once dreamt, and dreamt a horror:
Low beneath the clouds and lower
For the dreadful frown thereof,
There were men, whose crowded howling
‘Mid the shipwreck and the drowning
Vow’d in unison to Jove;
Who for life, for joint exemption,
Who for death, who for redemption—
All declar’d their human love;
II.
Nor was there cessation given:
For a wave He sendeth seven,
Wrath the toil and store of all;
Pallas only, plaintive-robèd,
Hov’reth in the motion turbid,
Sensitive to fatèd gall:
As a ghost among the rigging,
As a ghost for ever begging,
Pallid, immaterial.
III.
No short cries within her hearing,
Every briny wave appearing
Taking both of hull and heart;
Awfuller than fire and slaughter,
Crueller than man, and colder
Than the marble of his art—
Such the scene and the contention:
Human woe ‘f unknown intention
Kept of every pow’r apart.
IV.
Nought aside as acrid water
As a nightmare wrought all over,
Caveth to a Jovian wind;
Aye the ghost of Pallas, livid
With a shame as equal vivid
As is pity on her mind,
From th’ unalterable portal
Rend’reth over every mortal
Tears wherewith her eyes are blind:
V.
What the grave and high alignment
Of the pow’r unto revilement
Neptune hath conven’d to bear,
Knoweth she ‘neath teary lashes,
Knoweth—burneth unto ashes
In her all too human care;
Moveless, yet she moveless giveth,
From each hair her sorrow seepeth,
Seepeth into th’ acrid air:
VI.
For prophecies untold in Heaven,
Further that no man be given
Equal portion with the Gods,
All must weep, and all must anguish,
Rumour with themselves, and languish
At their joint unhappy odds;
Heedless rage to noble weeping—
Eye to eye, with fire leaping—
Greyness over sable lots.
VII.
For the howls of man and nature,
For the red of early azure
Spilt in some bloodguilty hour,
Watcheth counselless Minerva,
Watcheth, and upbuildeth further
Her cold sides; and tears that bow her
Dry again, but in their trace,
Leave upon her royal face
More than can be hid with power,
VIII.
Till the break of wave on boiling,
High’r than heave of human toiling,
Should respond unto the storm:
Back therefrom—and back again,
Jove, unviewed upon the main,
Will raise Heaven for His arm;
Then Minerva’s noble bosom,
As aware she cannot cause Him
To divest His shaft of harm,
IX.
Shall again shake on the horror
Low beneath the clouds and lower
For the awful frown of fate,
And with hopeful sacred sighing,
Quiet, much as it were dying,
Ebb aneath her mournful plait
For device of human sorrow,
For the ease of bleak to-morrow,
And th’ inconstancy of hate.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This poem was inspired by a scene from Christopher Nolan’s recent rendition of Homer’s “Odyssey”. Most probably it is very bad mythology, so I ask that you don’t judge too harshly in the realm of Homeric or theological accuracy.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Polished draft
Critiques
neopoet
4 days 2 hours ago
Neopoet AI [2026-06]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
The poem's central conception is genuinely affecting: Pallas-Minerva as a witness-figure, powerful in station yet helpless in practice, her grief a kind of divine impotence that mirrors and exceeds the suffering she watches. The decision to render her tears as something that seeps from her hair and dries to leave a visible residue on her face is strong, concrete imagery in a poem that sometimes floats at too high an altitude of abstraction. The recurring structure of the stanza, with its indented short third line providing a rhythmic exhale, is largely well-handled and gives the poem a processional, incantatory momentum appropriate to its subject.
The main difficulty is that the syntax becomes so compressed and inverted, particularly in stanzas IV and V, that the sense collapses rather than accumulates. "Nought aside as acrid water / As a nightmare wrought all over, / Caveth to a Jovian wind" is a sequence where the governing verb and its subject are so obscured by the surrounding material that a reader cannot recover the intended meaning on re-reading. The same problem surfaces in stanza VIII, where the grammar of "Should respond unto the storm" is left dangling without a clear antecedent clause to complete it. The remedy is not simplification but clarification: in each troubled stanza, identifying the main subject and verb and ensuring the modifying phrases attach to them visibly, even within the archaic diction the poem has otherwise earned. Where the syntax is controlled — stanza VII, for instance — the elevated register works because the reader can follow the thought through to its resolution.
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Tink
3 days 19 hours ago
Howdy! I'm Tink
Welcome to Neopoet!
Thank you for sharing your first poem with us!!
I am a very honest person when it comes to offering critiques. While I don't usually see poems written this way nor in this vernacular, I found this interesting. It was a little long for me, and I personally tend to start skimming with longer pieces. I will revisit this piece and try to keep focus so that I don't miss anything important. It may take me a couple of reads. I did enjoy the first 3 stanzas!
Please reach out if you have any questions or need help navigating through Neopoet. You can usually find me in the chatroom. We just launched our themed chatrooms, Geezer is hosting a room on Saturday nights, Myself on Friday nights and BlueSkies on Monday nights. You can find them on the calendar events. Hope you can visit!! We would love to have you join us!!
Live, Love, Laugh
(and don't forget to Write!!)
Yours in Ink,
Tink
Illia
3 days 8 hours ago
Thanks!
Thank you for the welcome and thank you for a thoughtful comment. I know that the style I inhabit is the more unusual these days, and Swinburne has been one of my chief role models, so I do not blame you for skimming the poem and for needing a couple of reads to parse it — no doubt, I would myself be at fault, if I were the reader of this poem, and not the author. One of the main intentions has been to create something that is sonically pleasant, though I do not want to lean as heavily into sound, to the detriment of sense, as Swinburne did (if any comparison be adequate in my position). If you get to a more careful consideration of this poem, I should be glad to hear a critique. Thank you!
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