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Apr 27, 2023
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The Opaque Girl
Her eyes speak a million words,
she, however, talks with her mouth.
Lies are her specialty.
She spits poison on us,
metamorphizing between a butterfly, a koala, and a lion.
Her claws run sharp,
in preparation for battle, she says.
It foolish of her to not see,
I am not dense
Scratches appear on her body
hiding in plain sight.
I see it, I always will.
Why then does she lie?
I see her begging for it.
“A sharpener for my claws.”
Does she want to bring back her light?
Her broken heart sees not that’s it darkness she begs for.
Addiction is what it is.
But, Who am I to say?
I am dense
He wants to bring her back to life,
for his light shines brighter than the sun
making her fall harder every day.
Malheuresment,
She is opaque.
— Jada, Apr 27, 2023
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About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem explores complex emotional dynamics and uses vivid imagery to portray a character who is both vulnerable and defensive. The metaphorical language—such as the transformation between a butterfly, koala, and lion—effectively conveys the multifaceted nature of the subject’s personality and struggles. The use of “claws” and “scratches” adds a tactile dimension that enhances the sense of conflict and pain.
To strengthen the poem, consider refining the punctuation and syntax for smoother readability. For example, the line “It foolish of her to not see,” could be revised to “It is foolish of her not to see,” to clarify the meaning and improve flow. Additionally, the phrase “her broken heart sees not that’s it darkness she begs for” contains a grammatical ambiguity; revising it to “her broken heart does not see that it’s darkness she begs for” would enhance clarity.
The shift in perspective—from the speaker’s observations to the introduction of “He” in the final stanza—introduces a new dynamic but feels somewhat abrupt. Expanding on this transition or providing more context could help the reader better understand the relationships and emotional stakes involved.
The inclusion of “Malheuresment” (French for “unfortunately”) adds an intriguing cultural touch but may disrupt the poem’s rhythm or accessibility for some readers. If the intent is to emphasize a sense of inevitability or sorrow, consider integrating this sentiment more seamlessly into the English text or providing a subtle explanation within the poem’s tone.
Overall, the poem’s emotional depth and symbolic imagery are compelling. With attention to clarity, grammatical precision, and narrative cohesion, the poem’s impact could be further elevated.
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