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Leslie
Leslie
Oct 11, 2025 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

One Autumn

The wind will rage,
and time will pass.
Your finite views
have held me fast!

Now I see
the truth of things.
My end will come,
but not as King!

A derelict,
I leave the past!
I'll choke upon
life's bitter cast.

I lie in bed.
and hope to die.
No longer clutch
the same desires!

Control is lost,
they've taken all.
The end may come
this very fall!

There was a time
when life was new.
but all my dreams
have left with you!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: In life we wait for time to pass, some folks have dreams, but mine are past. If I survive another month the dissonant sound of fate perhaps, will leave me standing alone at last!

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Ogden, Utah, USA

Favorite Poets: Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, Sting, Eric Bloom , and all of the poets at neo.

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neopoet

neopoet

6 months 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem explores themes of loss, disillusionment, and resignation, using the autumn season as a metaphor for decline or endings. The structure is consistent, with short stanzas and a regular rhythm that mirrors the poem’s somber tone. The use of exclamation marks adds emotional intensity, though their frequency may risk diminishing their impact; selective use could heighten key moments.

The poem employs direct language, which communicates the speaker’s despair and sense of powerlessness. Lines such as “I’ll choke upon / life’s bitter cast” and “No longer clutch / the same desires!” convey a strong emotional state, though some imagery remains abstract. More concrete or sensory details could deepen the reader’s engagement and distinguish the poem from more general expressions of sorrow.

The progression from external forces (“wind will rage”) to internal realizations (“Now I see / the truth of things”) is clear, but the poem’s narrative arc could be clarified further. The speaker’s transformation—from being held by “finite views” to relinquishing control—could be developed with more specificity. The phrase “not as King!” hints at lost power or status, which is intriguing, but the metaphor is not fully explored.

The final stanza returns to the theme of lost dreams and a significant “you,” suggesting a personal relationship as the source of the speaker’s grief. This emotional anchor could be introduced earlier or developed further to provide cohesion and depth.

Attention to punctuation and capitalization would improve clarity and consistency. For example, the line “I lie in bed. / and hope to die.” contains a period where a line break might suffice, and the lowercase “and” disrupts the flow.

Overall, the poem effectively conveys a mood of autumnal melancholy and existential loss. Greater specificity in imagery, careful punctuation, and a more developed narrative arc would strengthen its impact.

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