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May 28, 2011
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Notes
I feel the movement
as souls embrace.
Notes play.
Chopin
Nocturne 17
Fingers gently grace tips;
eyes understand.
Tears and heart
glisten mid melody,
snowflakes compliment;
wishing
to believe again,
that love is made worth its risk.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCbm22BjVMk&feature=related
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Kailashana2
14 years 11 months ago
Hi Pamela... this is my
Hi Pamela... this is my favourite poetic genre....spiritual.
I feel the movement of souls
combined through touch.
(I feel the movement--
our souls embrace.)
[packs more power]
Notes play.
Chopin
Nocturne 17
Fingers gently grace tips;
eyes understand.
Tears and heart
glisten mid melody
and snowflakes,
(remove and)
and they compliment;
(remove and they)
wishing
to believe again,
that love is made worth its risk.
(that love is on separate line)
[I'd write that making love is worth its risk, this way the souls' embrace
has a double meaning]
~A
Pamela A. Lamppa
14 years 11 months ago
Thank you Anna
I will review these changes closely and will probably use them.
Last line, - I am smiling. had already made that change prior to reading your comment.
Let me ask you, I shortened this thinking it ended perfectly here.
but I had this prior to.
Is it worth trying to add or should I just leave it for an idea elsewhere?
"My smile joins yours
and kisses melt the music
for days passed,
for today,
and for days when notes play
tender surrender.
I look forward to your thoughts
~Pamela
Kailashana2
14 years 11 months ago
Many of my poems integrate
Many of my poems integrate music, spirituality and lovemaking, Chopin, (one needs a deft touch ;-) I think the cello is a sexual instrument and the oboe is human voice. ;-)
About the additional stanzas. Yum! I love it but I don't know if I'd integrate it with the posted one. However, adding one or two more sentences/thoughts............and voila another delectable poem!
Did you see the Red Violin? If you haven't, rent it, I KNOW you'll purchase it. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120802/ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhqgV4flGdE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8ITW72y_6s (Anna's theme)
I wrote several poems, inspired and blown away.
~A
Pamela A. Lamppa
14 years 11 months ago
Thank you
I will take a look at your link and appreciate you taking a moment on the additional lines.
I think I will stick with stopping right where I have.
Have yet to incorporate your other ideas, but I believe I will.
Thank you again. ~Pamela
wesley snow
14 years 11 months ago
Looser poetry
Hello Pamela, I told you I would get here. Better late...
I am something of a stick in the mud about "traditional" poetic forms. Sans a repetitious meter and some rhyme I'm often lost in the "looser poetry". However, I find if I allow the context and punctuation to guide the poem will come alive for me. That was true in this poem. You had already scored a point with me over the Chopin reference as I am a big fan of his Nocturnes and Preludes. Your poem has many similarities with his smaller musical pieces. A simple melody, not repeated too much making a subtle, yet profound statement. I don't know if you intended the counterpoint of playing a piano while holding someone in love, but it is what I gleaned from the poem. If I could offer a suggestion as to improvement, I would. I cannot. It is a lovely poem with powerful, if understated sentiments and an excellent introduction to your work. wesley
Pamela A. Lamppa
14 years 11 months ago
Thank you
You have grasped the meaning of this piece perfectly. I practice free verse in order to improve on writing in this form. I am weak with it, but better at it than haiku which I just cannot seem to grasp. LOL Someday maybe.
I am an avid fan of Chopin and have loved his music since I was in elementary school. Perhaps this is why I lean toward more formal and classical verse as well. My father was one to introduce us to the classics at and early age and Chopin always felt like me/ That you mentioned the correlation between playing the piano and holding a lover has me elated.
I shall enjoy following your verse and critiques on this site. Thank you kindly. ~Pamela