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Aug 02, 2026
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Nửa Tỉnh Nửa Mê
Vision darkens before the dawn of derision, no...
Not again, another bummer day, it impends
Magenta miasma stifles sties stiffened, no...
Not again, another bummer day, it impends
Scrolling butt schlock until eyes coil rolling in bloodshot non-stop
No...not again, another bummer day, it impends
Nửa tỉnh nửa mê, sống dở chết dở...
Nửa nạc nửa mỡ, chết mày chưa cái thằng văn vở!
I go down hill, I need the pills, I'm in hell with the bills
Doctor's order
I deserve this, all the world's peace and piss, in the reeking abyss
Doctor's order
Just one more day as my not-okays delay, the final decay
Doctor's order orders...not just drugs, or heart hugged
Also, touchy stories that soothe the sizzling seethings of subconsciousness suiciding so sometimes it sedates, serendipitously
Glug-glug gloats the glittered glee down my throat, to stuff the blub beneath the shrieks of a twink who think he's lung linh xinh xắn than most.
Still...
Nửa tỉnh nửa mê, sống dở chết dở...
Nửa nạc nửa mỡ, chết mày chưa cái thằng văn vở!
I plunge down hill, I crave them pills, I fall pell-mell straight to hell with the bills
Doctor orders
Every night of living pays, a compensation in which I don't have a say, while sobriety's debt keeps growing grim and grey
Doctor orders
Must the self-conscious zombie persist, under the sun that confronts its will to exist? Fun lit pun innit?
Damn disorders
Below the gallows of jam tomorrow promises new premises, and my carrot-shaped shadows
Doctor's order orders...not just this, but also these, how about I order this?!
I LOATHE, the thought of me waking up acting tough needing a checkup having sickening thoughts of contemningmeexecratingmeabominatingme sucking it all up
Oy this stupid head! Have you slept any sleep and breathed any breath!? Oh this stupidest headiest stupid head!
~Lullaby weeps a dismal rhyme. Come lie down now the mortal...lie~
— kellustzall, Aug 02, 2026
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About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Polished draft
Critiques
neopoet
2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI [2026-06]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
The poem's strongest quality is its tonal layering: the Vietnamese refrains work as a genuine structural anchor rather than mere ornament, and the bitterness embedded in that second line — the self-directed insult — gives the refrain a sting that plain English wouldn't carry as efficiently. The alliterative runs ("sizzling seethings of subconsciousness suiciding so sometimes it sedates") are ambitious, and occasionally they hit a kind of manic music that suits the half-conscious state the title names. The closing lullaby couplet is genuinely affecting — it earns its quiet after all the noise.
The main craft problem is density without selectivity. When alliteration and internal rhyme pile on simultaneously and continuously, the ear stops discriminating: "I plunge down hill, I crave them pills, I fall pell-mell straight to hell with the bills" is working very hard but the accumulation flattens rather than intensifies. The poem might consider reserving its heaviest sonic machinery for the moments of greatest pressure, so those moments register as peaks rather than as more of the same. Similarly, the compound neologism "contemningmeexecratingmeabominatingme" is a real idea — the way self-loathing runs together without pause — but crammed into an already overloaded line it reads as typographic gesture more than felt rhythm. Breaking that run across a line or two, or letting the surrounding lines go quieter, would give it room to land as intended.
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