silent_voice_84

Jan 13, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

My sparrow (haiku)

Golden locks flowing
Sunlight sparkling bright blue eyes
My love is everlong

About This Poem

Last Few Words: First haiku I've wrote since leaving school a decade ago.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Bristol, GBR

Favorite Poets: My great friend Craig Walters, a long time friend of mine who composes original and heart warming poetry and music, and he has always been a great teacher and opened my third eye to some great literature. Along side Craig our close friend the musicianDylan Thompson has inspired a lot of what I write with his loyalty, acerbic wit, and with the music he has led me on on love., And the surrealist writer and poet Chris Foster, who's poems and stories are an inspiration, as is his friendship., I believe in the power of the spoken and written word and as such am really fortunate to have the circle of friends that I do. Most of my friends are musicians also and this lends itself in the construction of my songs and poems., Stephen King. Hunter.S.Thompson. Aldous Huxley. Edward Bunker. , Aleister Crowley. Dante Alghieri. Voltaire. Carl Jung. Dylan Thomas.

Comments

Candlewitch

13 years 9 months ago

Hello James,

Your title is okay. But since a haiku is a short poem, I would shorten the title to: Sparrow or My Sparrow. Did you know that many haiku's are not given a title but given a number, like Haiku# 19?( I give my hikus titles, too) The syllable count is right on for the 5-7-5 haiku. Also, if this little poem is about a person, then it is a senyru (the haiku's cousin)

I really like the content of this poem. Good subject matter. The language useage is good except I would make one change in line one. I would change the word flown to flowing and eliminate the wor down altogether. So it would read: {Golden locks flowing} that they are flowing down is a given.

Another suggestion:

In the second line: Sunlight sparkling from bright eyes
I would remove the word from and assign them a color, such as:

{Sunlight sparkling bright green eyes}
but that is only asuggestion. (delete all brackets)

Thank you for suggesting that I read this poem. It brightened my day.

always, Cat

Eduardo Cruz

13 years 9 months ago

Silent Voice,

the conception of this Haiku is great, but there are to things that I wish to elaborate on, First a Haiku never has a title and second it is always (in the western) written in the 5-7-5 syllables per line, line two has 8. It happens to everyone. still a most excellent write in its camparison to life and nature.

Eddie
...

Eduardo Cruz

13 years 9 months ago

Forgive me,

I am Eddie Cruz, I have been here a long time. I believe that this is our first meeting. I hope I did not offen with my critic. It is intended to help.
Welcome to "neopoet" Land of the Freed poets

Eddie
...

Eduardo Cruz

13 years 9 months ago

Forgive me,

I am Eddie Cruz, I have been here a long time. I believe that this is our first meeting. I hope I did not offen with my critic. It is intended to help.
Welcome to "neopoet" Land of the Freed poets

Eddie
...

silent_voice_84

13 years 9 months ago

Haiku

Thanks for the suggestions and comments, although I count seven syllables in line two?!
And thanks again for all suggestions, I will take it all on board.

Eduardo Cruz

13 years 9 months ago

you are right

I stand corrected!

China Blue

13 years 9 months ago

James

nice
but
last line
my love is everlong

whether you say ever long
or everlong
you still have six syllables

what if you said
Love is ever long
the my is understood and it brings you back to five
ah then too everlong that is two words anyway lol
welcome and enjoy Neo Poet
we are all here to help
Chrys

Ian.T

13 years 9 months ago

James

Everlong is a made up word from the lyrics of a song and is not in the dictionary as yet.
Maybe you have invented it.
So we have to take it as two words Ever and Long the mechanics of the piece have been dissected by the pro's so I will leave it at that. A good sound piece that seeks perfection though, Yours Ian.T

PS:- I use Sparrow to sign off with when there are
un nice things to say, so be warned, He is sleeping at the moment in a dark room. shush!