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My gal Ally!

I stand alone,
the night is dark.
The alley's are
pitch black.

Slowly moving,
down the street,
dark rain is
falling fast!

My heart is set
on finding you.
I'd walk a
thousand miles.

Your soul is as
an orchid,
I'll water it,
every day!

And when we're,
making love,
I'll gently stroke
your back!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Maybe once in a lifetime, you find someone who really cares. A person who'd give there life for you, an answer to your prayers!

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Ogden, Utah, USA

Favorite Poets: Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, Sting, Eric Bloom , and all of the poets at neo.

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Comments

neopoet

neopoet

5 months 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

The poem presents a narrative of longing and devotion, structured in short stanzas that create a sense of movement and urgency. The setting is established with imagery of darkness and rain, which effectively conveys a mood of isolation and determination. The phrase "the alley's are / pitch black" contains a grammatical error; "alley’s" should be "alleys" to indicate the plural rather than the possessive form.

The transition from the external journey ("down the street, / dark rain is / falling fast!") to the internal motivation ("My heart is set / on finding you") is clear, but the connection between the physical setting and the emotional stakes could be deepened. The metaphor comparing the beloved's soul to an orchid is evocative, though the subsequent line "I'll water it, / don't you fret!" risks being overly literal and could benefit from more subtlety or development.

The final stanza shifts to a more intimate and sensual tone, which is a significant change from the earlier mood. The line breaks and punctuation, particularly the use of a comma after "when we're," disrupt the flow and may cause confusion. Consider revising the lineation and punctuation for clarity and rhythm.

Overall, the poem's narrative arc is clear, but the language could be refined for grammatical accuracy and greater emotional resonance. Further attention to imagery and consistency of tone would strengthen the piece.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Geezer

5 months 1 week ago

Ahhhh....

Our first real love. Nothing like it. I wrote something that you might recognize yourself or me in. 

It's called "What We Did That Summer". The style that you wrote in, subtly reminds me of a Japanese-type poetry or a Haiku. Depending on how you want to go with this, you might either try embellishing it and becoming more descriptive and poetic, or down the Haiku trail. If you want to go with the Haiku, you should read a bunch of it online and try to write a few. Simple, natural things are the best kind for me. Anyway, I like what I see. ~ Geez.

.

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

5 months 1 week ago

Dear John,

I really like what you have written here.It is so good to see you surrounded by happiness! I am glad you have found "the one." it makes everything alright! 

very fondly, Cat

John Leslie O'Kelley

John Leslie O'Kelley

5 months 1 week ago

My gal Ally!

     The problem with the relationship is that she is married with a child. I don't think that it will work itself out. I might end up dead, her husband is a big guy! Thank you for commenting I enjoyed writing every line!

L o v e w o r n

L o v e w o r n

5 months 1 week ago

Hey

If you knew how many times I have fallen in love with untouchables that I was hands away from but got to know them well enough for those feelings to come up, you would say 'wow! Life can be wonderful!' The first is most difficult to let go but ya never really lose her😉👌

 

Unca Fez

Unca Fez

5 months 1 week ago

Nice Imagery

The imagery is very good in the first two stanzas.  I can see the alley.  My favorite stanza, though, is the last.  It hints at what I believe a lasting love is: Taking care of the other after the passion burns away.  I was fortunate to have married my one true love.

Steve