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A MESSAGE IN MY DREAMS
As I lay in my bed dreaming, my brother came to me.
We shall speak in the morning, just you wait and see.
He had long been gone, but in the dark I found a trace,
He was hiding in a looking glass, in light his shining grace.
I’m here now sister, lay safe and in your slumber, listen,
I tell my story, with all my love, as I am on a mission,
I’ve come here with a secret, that I have to share.
Let me hold your hand, and touch the silver in your hair.
I’ve brought you a gift, the one you thought was lost,
Irreplaceable and precious, to balance the limitless cost.
He placed it in my hand, in my fist I curled it tight,
And I held it there until I woke, in the morning light.
As I unfurled my fingers, letters spilled into my palm,
Sister dear I love you, this news will hold you warm.
Written in a note, delicate paper floated into flame,
The script spelled out a message in our mother’s name.
I hope this brings you joy, and all happiness you desire,
On the days the breeze is blowing, hear my whispers to inspire.
And butterflies they flutter as your thoughts come to my mind,
I watch you from the distance, my love you will always find.
Her words like heat soothed me, in this fleeting incident,
And there I lay in wonder, of sleeps illusory event.
The ashes in her memory, lay lost on my white soft sheet,
But in tears of joy and sadness, this moment echoes on repeat.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I think it speaks for itself, it speaks to me.
Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem explores themes of grief, memory, and comfort through the motif of a dream visitation. The narrative is clear: the speaker’s deceased brother visits in a dream, offers a message of love, and delivers a symbolic gift. The emotional arc is well-defined, moving from longing and loss to a bittersweet sense of connection and solace.
Strengths: - The poem’s structure is consistent, using quatrains with a regular rhyme scheme, which provides a gentle, lullaby-like rhythm appropriate to the dream setting. - The imagery—such as “hiding in a looking glass,” “touch the silver in your hair,” and “delicate paper floated into flame”—is evocative and supports the ethereal, otherworldly tone. - The use of direct address (“Sister dear I love you”) and references to familial relationships gives the poem intimacy and specificity.
Areas for Consideration: - The poem occasionally shifts between the brother’s and the speaker’s voices without clear demarcation, which may cause confusion. Consider using italics, stanza breaks, or other devices to clarify who is speaking, especially in lines where dialogue or messages are delivered. - The phrase “the limitless cost” is somewhat abstract and could benefit from more concrete imagery or context to strengthen its emotional impact. - The final stanza’s line “And there I lay in wonder, of sleeps illusory event” is slightly awkward in construction. Revising for clarity and flow could help (e.g., “And there I lay in wonder, at sleep’s illusory event”). - The poem sometimes relies on familiar tropes of dream visitation and messages from the dead. Introducing more unique or surprising details—perhaps specific memories or sensory impressions—could deepen the emotional resonance and set the poem apart.
Overall, the poem effectively conveys the comfort and lingering ache of a dream encounter with a lost loved one. With attention to voice clarity and some refinement of language, the piece could achieve greater immediacy and impact.
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Candlewitch
2 years 6 months ago
Dear Ruby,
Such a poignant piece. well composed. My favorite lines are:
I’ve brought you a gift, the one you thought was lost,
Irreplaceable and precious, to balance the limitless cost.
He placed it in my hand, in my fist I curled it tight,
And I held it there until I woke, in the morning light.
thank you for sharing this, it is appreciated!
*love & hugs, Cat
Ruby Lord
2 years 6 months ago
Hi Cat, thank you for your
Hi Cat, thank you for your read and comments and thank you for posting your favourite lines. I always appreciate your comments. Ruby :) xxx
Lavender
2 years 6 months ago
A Message From My Dream
Hello, Ruby,
Like its beautiful final line, the poem reflects on both joy and sadness. This amazing dream feels like a blessing.
Thank you,
Lx
Ruby Lord
2 years 6 months ago
Thank you Lavender. Sadly no
Thank you Lavender. Sadly no dreams last night but I'll take them whenever they get here. Thank you, Ruby :) xx
Poetry_thru_a_…
2 years 5 months ago
Lovely stuff!
My favourite lines are:
As I unfurled my fingers, letters spilled into my palm,
Sister dear I love you, this news will hold you warm.
Ruby Lord
2 years 5 months ago
Thank you for your read and
Thank you for your read and comment, it is much appreciated. Ruby :) xx
John Leslie O'Kelley
2 years 4 months ago
Ruby
The tŕemor in my hands will not alĺow me to tell you ŵhat I really think,
Hòwever I loved tĥìs one.
Ruby Lord
2 years 4 months ago
If it made your feelings so
If it made your feelings so intense, I think I have achieved what I set out to achieve. When I read this to my auntie, I cried. Ruby :) xx
Horacio
1 year 10 months ago
Steeped in Love
From beginning to end I feel the love you have for your sister. Love knocks then enters the heart unapologetically...if we allow it. With the exception of a couple of "misplaced 'Ands'" (wink) your poem speaks volumes. Form is always secondary to content and whether or not it elicits an emotion. Yours did.
Ruby Lord
1 year 10 months ago
You are too kind. Thank you
You are too kind. Thank you Horatio for reading and making a comment.
Ruby :) xx
John Leslie O'Kelley
1 year ago
Ruby,
WOW, AGAIN ANAD AGAIN I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DRAW THESE OUT. YOUR HEART MUST BE VERY PURE AND THIS EXPERIENCE WAS CELESTIAL OF THAT I AM SURE.