Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Long black train

Long black train moves silently
alòng its eñdless track
Up there in the distance
someone stands upon its track
With a thrill thè rush
of silver wheeĺs mòves
quickly down the its path
Acknowledging thièr presence
no time left to react.

.

— Leslie, Dec 11, 2023

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Ogden, Utah, USA

Favorite Poets: Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, Sting, Eric Bloom , and all of the poets at neo.

More from this author

Critiques

neopoet

neopoet

1 month 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem uses the image of a “long black train” as a central metaphor, suggesting themes of fate, inevitability, or mortality. The repetition of “track” and the train’s silent movement create a sense of inexorability. The poem’s brevity and lack of punctuation contribute to a feeling of breathlessness, mirroring the unstoppable approach of the train.

Consider clarifying the narrative perspective and the emotional stakes. The poem hints at a person on the tracks, but their identity and significance remain vague. Expanding on sensory details or internal states could heighten the impact. The use of diacritics in words like “alòng,” “eñdless,” and “wheeĺs” is inconsistent and may distract from the poem’s tone unless intentionally signaling something about voice or mood; standardizing or omitting them could improve readability.

The line “the rush / of silver wheeĺs mòves / quickly down the its path” contains a grammatical error (“the its path”). Revising for clarity and grammar would strengthen the poem’s flow. The final lines, “Acknowledging thièr presence / no time left to react,” effectively convey the suddenness of the moment, but could be made more vivid by showing rather than telling the acknowledgment and urgency.

Overall, focusing on precise language, consistent style, and deeper exploration of the poem’s central moment could enhance its emotional resonance.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to our contact form.