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AmmaKonadu
AmmaKonadu
May 25, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

LIES

A drop of soul and dust did brew
The fruit of love was true
The delicate vessel I became
I carried alone our passion's flame

The breath of a dear one I did hold
I watched the magic unfold
That precious gift of unity
Of nature held then within me

Love-seeds under the starry sky
We sowed together...you and I
So why did you do this, tell me, why?
Why did you let our love tree die?

.....

What we crafted now asks of you
What do I say, what do I do?

I hold his hand and lead him there
Where our love-tree was first planted
Tears fill my eyes to find it bare
That spot where we dreamed all we wanted

So I tell a lie...
I tell and cry...
I tell a lie...for you.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Accra/Ghana/West Africa, GHA

Favorite Poets: Wilfred Owen, Claude Mckay, W. H. Auden, John Donne, Shakespeare!

More from this author

Comments

S

scribbler

13 years 11 months ago

hello

I really enjoyed this as it so well presented full range of emotions. I have a few ideas you might consider :
Line 4 try carried, alone, our passion's flame
Line 8 maybe , of nature held then within me
Line 10 try we sowed together, you and I
use or not as you see fit these are just ideas.............stan

AmmaKonadu

AmmaKonadu

13 years 11 months ago

Stan!

Thanks for the suggestions. I really appreciate them!

AmmaKonadu

AmmaKonadu

13 years 11 months ago

Loved

I appreciate your suggestion.
Thanks!

judyanne

judyanne

13 years 11 months ago

awesome

powerful
i wouldn't suggest you change a single word
love judy
xxx

no - changed my mind :)
'That spot where we dreamed all we wanted' is a bit awkward... and misses rhyme
quick suggestion
where time to dream has been added
xx

loved

loved

13 years 11 months ago

When Judy says.....

just say yes
listen not to quacks like me
who know damn all of poetry
simply ask friend Jess

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 11 months ago

three exlamation marks is a sign of psychosis

only joking, but seriously that last line doesn't need even one exclamation mark.

I get why everyone is raving about the raw emotion of this poem, but there are several stylistic things I find problematic. Especially the Yoda speak. You know the Star Wars movies? Yoda? He inverts all his sentences.
did brew
I became
did hold

Apart from that, a very fine poem.

AmmaKonadu

AmmaKonadu

13 years 11 months ago

I know nothing about...

the star wars.
Thanks for stopping by.
I guess i used the exclamation marks because i was screaming it out in my head as i wrote.

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 11 months ago

forget Star Wars then

those three endline examples I gave you? You have inverted the natural word order and it makes it sound like contrived poetry.

And I really seriously suggest you delete those exclamation marks, they cheapen your expression