Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
May 25, 2023
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
KEEP THE DREAM
I greet the night like an old friend
along with the full faced moon.
With neither need I pretend.
Old bones insist I sit down soon.
So I shamble to a place
where I can sit against a tree
and absorb the peace and grace.
Where I can relax and simply Be.
Full moon illuminates this hill
supplying shadows soft and dim
and in these woods soft and dim
imagination comes on a whim.
Silence seems to give its way
to quiet whispers in the dark.
They murmur past but never stay
beneath the stars cold and stark.
I yawn and soon drift off to sleep
and dream of a jumbled city
where both the rats and people creep
on concrete trails hard and gritty.
Beneath a flickering street light
I found I'm with the shuffling crowd;
dealers and pimps in plain sight.
They place around as if they're proud.
While the addicts and sex toys
cower with deep shrunken eyes
cringing from the air and constant noise
in a world they've come to despise.
Grafitti without a trace of art
along with gas fumes assault teary eyes.
Of this invisible mass I'm now a part.
A car's backfire takes me by surprise.
And wakens me from this nightmare
and returns me to paradise.
I'd rather be here than anywhere.
All I observe pleases my eyes.
No choke of fumes, no dead brown grasses
no ringing ears or chain link fence,
no crush of downtrodden masse
just the sound of peace...and silence.
— scribbler, May 25, 2023
Share this poem
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem presents a clear contrast between the tranquility of nature and the chaos of urban life, structured through a movement from peaceful night to unsettling dream and back. The narrative arc is easy to follow, and the imagery is accessible.
Strengths: - The opening stanzas establish a strong mood, using sensory details (“full faced moon,” “old bones,” “peace and grace”) to evoke the comfort and familiarity of the natural world. - The transition into the dream sequence is handled smoothly, with a clear shift in tone and setting. - The poem’s return to the original setting reinforces the speaker’s preference for nature, providing closure and thematic unity.
Areas for Consideration: - The rhyme scheme is mostly consistent, but there are occasional slant rhymes (“grace”/“Be,” “crowd”/“proud”) and some forced phrasing (“They place around as if they're proud”) that disrupt the flow. Reviewing these lines for smoother language or more precise rhymes could strengthen the overall rhythm. - Some descriptions in the city sequence rely on familiar stereotypes (“dealers and pimps,” “addicts and sex toys”), which can feel generalized. More specific or nuanced imagery might deepen the emotional impact and avoid cliché. - The line “Grafitti without a trace of art” is evocative, but the spelling of “grafitti” should be corrected to “graffiti.” - The poem’s conclusion is effective in contrasting the two worlds, but the phrase “downtrodden masse” could be clarified—“masses” might be more grammatically conventional, or the line could be reworked for clarity.
Overall, the poem’s structure and imagery clearly communicate its central contrast. Attention to language precision and avoidance of generalizations would further enhance its effectiveness.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to our contact form.