raj

Dec 02, 2014 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

Intense

Eyes close when lips meet
and reopen when they part
in between is bliss

matters not how long or short
but how deep is the desire

— raj, Dec 02, 2014

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Editing Stage: Rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Critiques

mand

11 years 7 months ago

Hi there Raj - This is a very

Hi there Raj - This is a very nice senryu tanka ( I think )

I like the imagery and passion of this one! There is only one change I would make.

( only a suggestion to consider )

I wondered if the second verse would sound better without the "do"

Here's a possible alternative: "and reopen when they part" But of course it's up to you..

Apart from that it's a great poem!

Keep safe

Love Mand xxxxx

raj

11 years 7 months ago

Hi Mand

Thank you for the read and your suggestion which is already implemented :) In fact I have slightly modified the last line too because "rather depth of desire" was seeming like 8 syllables.

Thank you too for your encouraging comment.

much love and hugz..

mand

11 years 7 months ago

Hi Raj

I like it better now! it flows better! :) xxxx

raj

11 years 7 months ago

Hi Mand

Thanks for re-visiting this page and good to know that you now feel it reads better.

Regards,

judyanne

11 years 7 months ago

hi raj

Aa little nugget of truth - I like this

however - even though it doesn't really matter, your last verse has only 6 syllables

Love judy
xxx

raj

11 years 7 months ago

Hi Judyanne

Good to know you liked this. Are you saying desire is not 3 syllables? Thinking that it is 3 syllables i changed the last line which was "rather depth of desire"...

Regards,

judyanne

11 years 7 months ago

I checked the dictionary just now

Two syllables
xxx

raj

11 years 7 months ago

Thanks Juddyanne

for coming back to this page and your confirmation that 'desire' is a 2 syllable word..so i will once again now switch back the last line to "rather depth of the desire"...

Regards,