Immobile Hesitation

I wished with grace upon your head
Something great, majestic in tale

Where the radiant walking of life
Crowns vows whispered in night.

For a breath gently held
To remain tender in whole to bear,
With acceptance of your own gifting right;

There being no place
For pooled darkness to scoff forth
A piece of kindling spirit,

No murmurs roaring contradictions
No option of destruction.

Awake.
Take a stare.
Wishful in taste I stay.
Fragile in every sense,
But ready to take a step.

Please come
Enlighten to me shades of sense.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: California, United Sates, USA

Comments

|Layune

14 years 11 months ago

Hello

Thanks for taking the time to read my poem. I hadn't been on Neopoet for a while and so i figured replying back after months would be odd. As for the last line, I wasn't sure how to end the poem, but in the end I was content with what I wrote. Would you suggest an alternative?

|Layune

14 years 11 months ago

Hello

I read the poem again and your right, the end did fall a bit weak. Your ending works very well, thank you. I'll be sure to change it.

Eduardo Cruz

14 years 11 months ago

good insightful right

good insightful write wishing some one the best of life,as a kindered spirit.
I do agree with Rosi that the end does kind of leave you wanting of something .

welcome to Neopoet land of the freed poets.
Eddie Cruz
(Eddie is good no formality here)

|Layune

14 years 11 months ago

Thank you, and yes i ended up

Thank you, and yes i ended up making a change in the end.