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May 22, 2012
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I Sing of Caramel Swift Electra !
A decided hitch has come to fruition
sabotoging the glide in my stride,
Worcestershire nights, so cold and damp
the Northern Lights makes us want to go, hide;
there's truely magic in the air!
Better walk it off, before it starts to cramp!
Salty, lemon-jello moonbeams
illuminate my weary eyes,
but, a feather could've bent me off of my skid!
Worry not, because I kept my balance'
and joggered not, into my dawn's surprise!
Let's get closer, so we don't disrupt the grid.
Dandylion moth anntennae
drifting decidedly, North;
sketching etchings with a silence way too loud;
caramel swift ! and the quick leaves are way, too bold!
Under our skies-ambiguous cold,
our collective alibi's an unruly crowd!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Now, I'm "sinking" for the tersery, time !
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
IKnowNoBox
13 years 11 months ago
An engaging write,
'sketching etchings with a silence way too loud;' what a gem of a verse too. Thank you Doc. Good to see you are still writing.
In ink,
David
docmaverick
13 years 11 months ago
Very kind of you to say, Sir David....
...I sincerely appreciate the "feedback"! This one was a bit of an "oddball"....but, it means something to me. It was about a "tryst" with a certain pair of identical twins.....and, how they were playing a "secret" game of fooling me! I could never quite correctly guess which one I was with. An example of my word, "scandalousity" at it's finest.
Thanx, again;
docmaverick.
docmaverick
13 years 11 months ago
Also, Lonnie....
...my title came in part, from the Twilight Zone episode called, "I sing the body, electric!"....where the family purchases a "nannie" that's a hybrid android, that remains the same age as the rest of the family aged..and met up with thier personal, resulting circumstances.
PLUS, I also thought of Ms. Carmen Electra.
eclectically,
docmaverick.
p.s.) It was really "nice" to share keyboard cadences with you, once again !
judyanne
13 years 11 months ago
hi doc
i don’t usually read others comments before making mine
but I had to this time as I really didn’t know what you were saying until i read your explanation to david
(hello david - nice to see you)
lol - i still don’t ‘get it’ – but that is probably me – lol – sometimes you are too ‘deep’ for me
my obtuseness doesn’t detract from interest in the write however…
I love the descriptive
‘Salty, lemon-jello moonbeams
illuminate my weary eyes’
and
‘Dandylion moth antennae’ – (typo ‘dandelion’)
and the alliteration
‘drifting decidedly, North’
and the internal rhyme
‘sketching etchings with a silence way too loud’
the ending gives a slight clue
‘ our collective alibi's an unruly crowd!’
my only real crit is the use of quotation marks and excessive punctuation with the exclamation marks – I really don’t think they are needed and they draw my attention from the text….
love judy
xxx
docmaverick
13 years 11 months ago
Judy....
...I THINK I fixed it. Thanx, for the encouragement.