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Hello hello hello
Hello hello hello
God is risen today
And he is now
Alive for us
Yes God is our savior
He is the one
Who had cured the sick today
With his holy hands
The sick people had been sick
For a long time
Some people he could not cured
Any more because they had a sickness
That was chronical
So my Father
Shut their bodies down
And first they shut their eyes
Than they were gasping for air
They no longer could breath
So they took the last breath
And they finally died
It was sad for their families
To see them die
They also cried a lot
Now the children
Started to grieve
I don't know how long
They will grieve
Every body grieves different
Also they pray for their dead ones
Every single night
Yes now they been missing
Their loved ones for a long time
They wished that they were still here
To see them
Grow old
About This Poem
Last Few Words: That is a new poem Written by Aldo Kraas
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Critiques
neopoet
4 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem explores themes of faith, mortality, and grief, using a straightforward narrative style. The repetition of "hello" at the beginning sets a tone of invocation or announcement, which transitions into reflections on divine intervention and the limits of healing. The poem moves from general statements about God's power to specific observations about illness, death, and the grieving process.
The language is direct and unadorned, which creates a sense of honesty and immediacy. However, the poem could benefit from more vivid imagery or figurative language to deepen its emotional impact. For example, describing the physical sensations of illness or the emotional landscape of grief through metaphor or simile might help readers connect more intimately with the experiences described.
The structure is linear, moving from the miracle of healing to the reality of death and its aftermath. This progression is clear, but the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using enjambment or more varied sentence structures to create a stronger sense of flow.
Some lines are repetitive or redundant, such as "The sick people had been sick / For a long time." Streamlining these sections could strengthen the poem's impact. Additionally, the poem shifts between general and specific perspectives ("my Father" versus "they" and "the children"), which can be confusing. Clarifying the point of view would help unify the poem.
The poem's conclusion touches on the enduring nature of grief and longing. Expanding on these emotions with concrete details or sensory language could provide a more resonant ending.
Overall, the poem addresses profound themes with sincerity, but it would benefit from more precise language, stronger imagery, and clearer transitions.
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