Barbara Writes

Jun 04, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the workshop:

Haiku Japanese Poetry Workshop

Haiku 1
Nightfall slow descend
Tree branch twinkles in the light
Gibbous moon high

Haiku 2
Its dark dead and damp
Where two frogs silently sits
Floating on a pond

Haiku 3
Riding a warm breeze
Coming from the fresh cut grass
A deep breath taken

Haiku 4
From the mountains deep
Clouds spring forth from green foliage
As the white mists rise

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Billy Collins, Shakespeare, , Emily Dickinson, , , Whitman, Jess Tapper

Comments

weirdelf

13 years 10 months ago

by number

1 Haiku often fails by being a list of words.

It is an elegant and difficult form. Sorry, this doesn't make it.

2
Its dark dead and damp
Where two frogs silently sits
Floating in a pond

really works!, only crit,
Where two frogs silently sit

3 doesn't make it, it feels westtern

4. Not quite there, too decriptive, not enough profundity.

I apologise for being harsh, but haiku is a profound form, there is no room for disccrepancy.

Barbara Writes

13 years 10 months ago

I'm not Japanese so it won't be as if a Japanese actually wrote them. I wrote from where the heart flowed. It maybe a bit western, but as long as the content is haiku and syllables count are in order I think It best to write from your own disposition with the basic Japanese form in intact. haiku is haiku and srnyru is senyru. I don't see any crit from you on that so I think you agree it has the essence of haiku that is required.

Its hAiku, nature with a touch of human presence. IMO ;) how would you suggest they be written. You opinion is appreciated. Strong crtit I can take it.

Looking forward to seeing you haiku. I know I'll learn something good I didn't know.

weirdelf

13 years 9 months ago

It's a 'frisson', the tingle or special extra feeling.

It is so hard to describe, much less offer constructive feedback, it's the X factor, they either got it or they ain't.

Barbara Writes

13 years 9 months ago

Jess

aint it the truth

scribbler

13 years 10 months ago

Hi Barb

#1 last line appears short one syllable and line 2 try twinkles
#2 I like this description
#3 I think you mean deep breath, but also liked the olfactory image
#4 last line try mists, good description of the moisture cycle in mountains
sorry for being late. It's been a busy last coupla weeks................stan

Barbara Writes

13 years 10 months ago

Thanks Stan

I'll start on these lines of suggestions.

Ian.T

13 years 10 months ago

Barbara

Your selection of four:-
1:- having trouble with the syllable check on "Gibbous moon high"
and the theme is stretched..

2:- there is no need for "sits" it can be singular and rather float "on" a pond than "in" a pond
3:- Is a mix of physical and seasonal, something like "drifting over fresh cut grass" " Breathing summers air" I haven't checked for syllable's on these two bits.. Putting "She" in there makes it Physical.
4:- mist raise can be:- mists rise will see if this changes the count
Apart from that as this is my first foray into Japanese poetry what the hell do I know lol , Yours Ian.T

Barbara Writes

13 years 10 months ago

Thanks Ian

You suggestions are really good one . Il start on implementing them now

Barbara Writes

13 years 10 months ago

Stan, Ian

Ive made changes based on your suggestion. Ian I think the syllable count is correct in all four haikus. Thanks for the crit