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May 17, 2023
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guy i love
way this guy looks n talks gets me goin crazy way i see his smile makes me say damn baby u got me in denial lets take it to another spot so we can make it finalwhen i say final i mean its for internal like were on the whole world just me n u we can swim the falls until the sky falls n we take it all in im like hey baby did they hear of the best local studio in the world they got the best fire manger in the city when they leave people say damn they all so fine like let me take to them to front of the line that one i wrote
— mmartell, May 17, 2023
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About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem captures an intense, spontaneous feeling of attraction and desire, conveyed through a conversational and informal tone. The rawness of the language and the stream-of-consciousness style give it an immediacy that reflects the speaker’s emotional state. However, there are several areas where the poem could be strengthened for clarity, rhythm, and impact.
1. **Punctuation and Line Breaks:** The poem currently reads as one continuous block of text, which makes it challenging to follow. Introducing punctuation and breaking the poem into lines or stanzas would help create natural pauses and emphasize key moments or images. For example, separating thoughts or actions into distinct lines can enhance the rhythm and make the poem easier to engage with.
2. **Clarity and Word Choice:** Some phrases are ambiguous or confusing, such as “when i say final i mean its for internal” and “fire manger in the city.” Clarifying these lines would help the reader connect more deeply with the poem’s meaning. If “fire manger” is intended to be “fire manager” or another phrase, correcting it would improve comprehension.
3. **Consistency in Tone and Style:** The poem’s casual, colloquial voice is effective in conveying intimacy, but occasionally the phrasing feels rushed or fragmented. Revising certain lines to balance the conversational style with poetic structure could enhance the overall flow.
4. **Imagery and Metaphor:** The poem hints at vivid images—“we can swim the falls until the sky falls”—which are compelling but could be expanded or refined to strengthen their emotional resonance. Developing these metaphors more fully might deepen the reader’s experience.
5. **Grammar and Spelling:** Attention to capitalization and spelling (e.g., “n” instead of “and,” “u” instead of “you”) can be a stylistic choice, but consistency is key. Decide whether to maintain this informal style or standardize for readability.
Overall, focusing on structure, clarity, and imagery will help this poem communicate its passionate energy more effectively. Experimenting with line breaks and refining certain phrases could transform the raw emotion into a more polished and impactful piece.
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mmartell
3 years ago
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