02/26 What I Carried Quietly

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This great maple

My journey began, just roots, a stick. No leaves of green my heart was sick.
Grandpa’s soil hugging it tight and though slow to grow, it was loved with might.
Those roots were dug and moved around, ‘til like the song, “Alberta Bound”.
Flourishing now, a home to stay. Unlike the tree I moved away.
Searching for love, I found peace, just like the wings, of the Canadian geese.
Traveled roads that were broken; saw life; it wasn’t jokin’!
We did the work and searched our souls, and in the end we changed our goals.
Blustering winds tried hard to shatter, we bent not broke and didn’t scatter.
Just like the tree our roots were a start, but we had to heal these bleeding hearts.
Life to the fullest, with freedom and peace, thoughts of mayhem, now cease
We looked all over to find a home, yet finding ourselves, lifted the dome.
As of yet,there’s so much to learn, but we no longer seek the unfilled yearn.
Roots and wings encompass us now, but enjoying the journey is the answer to how.
Canadian dirt started our birth, but branches lead to Mother Earth.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Country/Region: CAN

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Comments

neopoet

2 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem presents a clear metaphor of growth and resilience through the image of a maple tree, effectively linking personal experience with broader themes of identity and belonging. The progression from roots to wings is a compelling framework that conveys both stability and freedom.

One area to consider is the poem’s rhythm and meter, which fluctuate throughout. For example, some lines feel rushed or uneven ("My journey began, just roots, a stick." vs. "Flourishing now, a home to stay."). Experimenting with consistent meter or deliberate variation could enhance the musicality and emotional impact.

The rhyme scheme is mostly consistent, but occasionally feels forced or predictable ("jokin’" and "goals," "scatter" and "hearts"). Exploring slant rhymes or internal rhymes might add subtlety and freshness.

Imagery is vivid in places, such as "Grandpa’s soil hugging it tight" and "wings of the Canadian geese," but some lines could benefit from more concrete sensory details to deepen the reader’s immersion. For instance, describing the texture of the bark or the sound of the wind might enrich the natural metaphor.

The poem’s message about healing and self-discovery is heartfelt, but the phrasing sometimes leans toward cliché ("Life to the fullest," "enjoying the journey"). Revisiting these lines to find unique expressions or unexpected turns of phrase could strengthen the poem’s originality.

Overall, focusing on rhythmic consistency, nuanced rhyme, enriched imagery, and fresh language will help this poem fully realize its emotional and thematic potential.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

2 months 2 weeks ago

Your title is good, it set…

Your title is good, it set up the poem really well.
I think that if you had used quatrains
and better spacing, it would be much easier to read.

Your meter is a little wobbly, but simple to fix.
Reading aloud is the best way to find the stumbles;
Following natural breathing as you read, you can see where to add or subtract syllables, and where to use what punctuation.

I think that in the line:
‘til like the song, “Alberta Bound” you lose the reader with the part of the statement,
that says [ 'til ]; it may be better to say, [like in the song, Alberta bound

In general, your language is good.
The theme is well done, and focuses on the quiet growth of a Maple tree,
[which is the national symbol of Canada, and not lost on me].

I think that you could add a syllable to the line:
Traveled roads that were broken; [I] saw life, it wasn't jokin'!

With a little bit of work, this could be a winner. ~ Geezer.

P.S. Welcome to Neopoet, we hope you find a comfortable spot here and become a real part of our family.
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