Forever in love

She came as fast as she left
Shocking to the eyes and warm to the soul
Forever in love

The warm sea crashed upon harsh stone
The incoming bitter salt to the eyes
Burned with shimmering beauty

Evaporated to the sky with all else which remained
Alone yet thy image forever engraved in stone.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I had just spent the entire night out pursuing this girl who I thought I had a genuine connection with...until she casually said she had a boyfriend... Night over, yet her image will forever remain :/

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: SA

Comments

Ray Whitaker

3 years 10 months ago

Another welcome to this site!

While I like this, I didn't get the chase from it.

Perhaps add more from the lively night you mention? Would give me [perhaps others as well] a better depth on the experience...

Obadiah Grey

3 years 10 months ago

Hiya, B,D.

She came as fast as she left,
Shocking to the eyes
and warm to the soul.

Evaporated to the sky
forever engraved in stone.
---------------------------------------------
Those are the poetic phrases that I found most engaging,
though, they alone don't make a poem,
they are well worth fleshing out.

Cheers, Obi.

Geezer

3 years 7 months ago

Unless...

you are speaking of an orgasm; I would say that "She left as fast as she came." I was a bit confused about what you were trying to say, when I saw that "She came as fast as she left." What evaporated to the sky? [With all that remained]. If it evaporated to the sky, with what remained, then how is it still with what remained? ~ Geezer.
.