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Jan 21, 2023
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FIWYHWIWU
It felt like you were
like when i paused a minute
between awareness and eyes open
i was sure you could have been
i want to wake up before you
and let the dog out
and return with coffee
and carrot cake
i want to see the look in your eyes
when you wake up
i want to take a blade
to the last tenuous sinew
that has me gleefully teetering
over a life spent falling into you
tear me to ribbons and wrap me up
like a gift that's yours to open
over coffee and
carrot cake and
sleeping in and
making love and
fucking
to the edge of all breath and back
Together
— Indivisible_Origin, Jan 21, 2023
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About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Critiques
Seren
3 years 4 months ago
Dear IO
Given context of the relationship between this poem and the other I would leave fuck, it fits right once the reader knows what the title means, fucking doesn't have to be a bad thing, passion takes over and yeah that's just me.
I am going to play with those first three lines in my head this afternoon, there is something that doesn't feel right...
I have to say I adore this poem, other than changing the title to give *fuck* context & those first three lines its brilliant!!!
hugs JC
Seren
3 years 4 months ago
Dear Mark
I'm sorry if my comment offended. Since I hadn't been here very much in these last seven or eight years, no one had pointed that out. Glad you did. I will keep in my lane from here on out.
Cheers Jayne
Seren
3 years 4 months ago
I will reread the site rules
I will reread the site rules when I'm around next time, it seems I am out of touch. A public reprimand seems to be the way of things now.
I feel thoroughly chastised.
Cheers for that! Jayne
Candlewitch
3 years 4 months ago
dear IO,
these are my favorite lines:
i want to see the look in your eyes
when you wake up
i want to take a blade
to the last tenuous sinew
that has me gleefully teetering
over a life spent falling into you
I think you should know that I love your poetry. it is fresh and unrestrained.
*hugs, Cat