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Oct 23, 2012
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Detritus
Detritus by RW
rippled feather bracelet
around a skeletal wrist
a hope missed
the gist
pissed
details going under
resound for another fist
a cultist
the list
missed
fighting five-front wartime
concerned for lecherous twist
to the midst
resist
blissed
calling father god-thing
reserved in entitled tryst
but never kissed
royal cyst
grist
never ending notice
to this claxon please persist
do not enlist
say what you
mean
— BlueDemon77, Oct 23, 2012
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About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is my statement for/against form poetry.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
judyanne
13 years 7 months ago
i quite like this ron - it
i quite like this ron - it reads powerfully with all the 'ist' endings
i just feel it is a little overdone
i'd suggest you try it using only one of the last three verses of each stanza - see how you think it reads then?
i really like the visuals with your great word choice and usage
especially with
'rippled feather bracelet
around a skeletal wrist'
definitely not a bucket of dung :)
love judy
xxx
BlueDemon77
13 years 7 months ago
Hi Judy!
Thanks for the kind words Judy. I agree it is overdone. I'm proud that I was able to duplicate "missed" only, and I'm glad that I was seeking, and as far as I know, succeeded in doing a form I'd never seen before. My problems with this form is it reaches guttural very quickly and stays there. I believe meaning is the a priori consideration with poetry but I also believe the music with which the truth is presented is very important also. I didn't succeed in that realm in this experiment, which disappoints me greatly. I appreciate your advice. In any event, the blockage and/or negative perception veil has been lifted and with POWER, I at last have written a recent poem that I am proud of.
Geez I can be such a girl'sblouse!
: ) love ya
Ron