The Coldest Night

I asked the falling snow, one eve
To spare a minute of its time
To listen and to please believe
My youthful tears, my golden rhyme

The falling flakes held too much doubt
I think in me- I know in I
And from the clouds they fell on out
They did not stop to see me cry

I wandered on- the snow that night
Had left me out alone and still
The darkest wind, the winter white
Was cold - yet I was colder still...

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: USA - NY

Comments

Etty

5 years 8 months ago

Thank you!

Thank you, Alan!
And she needs to the advice...

Geezer

5 years 9 months ago

I agree...

with the very fair critique from Mr. Jeeves. I support the notion of changing from [their] to [it's]. Other than that, this read very well. Simple lines with good rhythm. ~ Geezer.
.

Edna Sweetlove

5 years 9 months ago

A couple of minor corrections!

Line 2: ITS not THEIR (and not IT'S either)
Line 6: I don't understand this - is there a word missed out or are there some typos? "I think in me" doesn't make sense and neither does "I know in I"... And a full stop at the end of each stanza would help too.
.

lovedly

5 years 9 months ago

I think like Alan

I asked the falling snow one eve
To spare a minute of its time'

it's
appears better than

their ===would fit a person ....you may reconsider try google
otherwise a sweet poem

Obadiah Grey

5 years 9 months ago

Hello, Etty.

Hello, Etty.
Second line first stanza is a well worn phrase!
I'd do away with the sparse punctuation altogether.
I actually like the ambiguity in the second stanza.

all in all a good poem!

Obi.

Edna Sweetlove

5 years 9 months ago

It's nice...

..that everyone's advice has been totally ignored!
RIGHT ON BABY!
.