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Dec 11, 2023
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BURIED IN SAND
The golden roman shaped shield
like a disc above glinting
Like a polished coin Punching the
Sky waking it up. The Feathered
snipered hungry cadaver eyes circling
Watching as I look above. crys of
Starvation. Below the scorching
Powdered biscuit Devils sauna pit
The air as dry as dust
My body already claimed
signed my soul over
To hell and to gold sprinkled dust
— Jokerface82, Dec 11, 2023
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About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem evokes a stark, intense atmosphere with vivid imagery that blends elements of ancient symbolism and harsh natural conditions. The "golden roman shaped shield" and "polished coin" create a strong visual anchor, suggesting something precious yet distant, while the "Feathered snipered hungry cadaver eyes" introduce a menacing, almost predatory presence.
To enhance clarity and impact, consider refining some of the language and punctuation. For example, "snipered" is an unusual adjective; if it is intended to convey sharpness or precision, perhaps a more common term or a clearer metaphor could strengthen the image. The phrase "crys of Starvation" likely intends "cries," so correcting spelling will improve readability.
The line breaks sometimes interrupt the flow in ways that can distract the reader. For instance, "Like a polished coin Punching the / Sky waking it up" might benefit from reworking to maintain rhythm and coherence. Additionally, the phrase "Powdered biscuit Devils sauna pit" is intriguing but somewhat opaque; clarifying or expanding this metaphor could help readers grasp its significance.
The poem’s closing lines convey a powerful sense of surrender and desolation, but the phrase "signed my soul over / To hell and to gold sprinkled dust" could be more impactful with slight rephrasing or punctuation adjustments to emphasize the emotional weight.
Overall, focusing on consistent imagery, careful word choice, and smoother line transitions will strengthen the poem’s evocative power and emotional resonance.
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