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Mar 04, 2026
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Brine
Why is it you became my helm
Steering me restlessly compassless,
Probably further from north than toward it.
You took my shirt and ripped up every hem,
Stripped me of my fabrics, of my realm.
And no cloth can dry this sea of evading fears.
You made cracks beneath my boat’s surface,
Having me follow through
And put me through all those tears.
But tearing me up was too great a job for you, So you just skimmed through that project too,
Left me thinking you got sick of my blue… blue…blue
Soul.
And i promise there was color, there were poppies in my hair,
Every strand entangled to stems grown through my years.
But you came along with your nimble green fingers,
And decided to do your gardening here.
You drew the roots, fingered your way, piercing my soil.
I was your plant, and you drowned me, threw me aboard.
And as my leaves were howling,
I tuned my last chord
They had a search team come for me two weeks too late
Found my carcass hanging from branches by the ridge of the lake.
They closed my eyes, and sarcastically said «This is great».
But you were one in the crowd, grinning at the turning heads
They took my picture, and the news flash screamed «dead»
I know you lost someone, I know it hurt you —
It must have.
Although you took my seed, you could have given life,
But instead you hid it with the rest, deeply beneath your bed.
Please forgive me — that’s what I said.
And I know you’re no angel.
You can’t bring back what’s lost.
you still pass my stone on Sundays when it’s said to be rain,
And you carve into it, numbers;
The passing people deem you insane,
But you just want to keep track of time.
You bow your head and plead for forgiveness,
But if i could speak, I would tell you to get back in line.
You bring me poppies and plant them on my grave, you still call this love,
But you have no tools, no can, no glove.
Your hand’s engulfing my dirt,
And you’re watering my thirst
With a touch of brine, steeped to hold me.
I won’t live forever.
There I draw the line.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I would reccomend listening to «Coney Island», by Taylor Swift since it transports you to the poem’s universe.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
neopoet
1 month 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem presents a vivid and emotionally charged exploration of a complex relationship marked by pain, loss, and unresolved tension. The maritime and botanical imagery—helm, compass, boat, sea, roots, gardening, poppies—creates a layered metaphorical landscape that effectively conveys feelings of being lost, torn apart, and suffocated.
Strengths: - The extended metaphor of the sea and navigation skillfully mirrors the speaker’s emotional turmoil and lack of direction. - The contrast between growth (poppies, roots) and destruction (ripping hems, drowning, tearing) deepens the sense of betrayal and damage. - The narrative arc, moving from confusion to hurt to a kind of resigned defiance, gives the poem a compelling emotional progression. - The use of sensory details (“sea of evading fears,” “nimble green fingers,” “touch of brine”) enriches the imagery and mood.
Areas for improvement: 1. Consistency of Tone and Voice: The poem shifts between intimate confession, accusatory tone, and detached narration. While this can reflect emotional complexity, some transitions feel abrupt. For example, the line “And sarcastically said ‘This is great’” introduces a tone that could be developed more fully or integrated more smoothly to avoid jarring the reader.
2. Line Breaks and Punctuation: Some lines could benefit from more deliberate punctuation or enjambment to enhance rhythm and clarity. For instance, “But tearing me up was too great a job for you, So you just skimmed through that project too,” might read more fluidly with a semicolon or a line break before “So.”
3. Clarity in Metaphorical Shifts: The poem moves between sea and garden metaphors, which is effective but occasionally causes slight confusion. For example, “You drew the roots, fingered your way, piercing my soil” is powerful, but the shift from maritime to botanical imagery could be signposted more clearly to maintain cohesion.
4. Capitalization and Formatting: The inconsistent capitalization (e.g., “i promise,” “you still pass my stone”) can distract the reader. Standardizing capitalization or using it intentionally for effect would improve readability.
5. Specificity of Some Phrases: Lines like “You took my seed, you could have given life” are evocative but somewhat vague. Expanding or clarifying these moments could deepen emotional impact.
Overall, the poem’s raw emotional energy and rich imagery are compelling. Refining structural elements and smoothing tonal shifts would strengthen its resonance and readability.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
1 month 2 weeks ago
This piece...
rambles along, doling out portions of the speech, like it is a buffet made for staving off hunger. I never really got the main meal. There are tidbits that promise some relief but then snatched away. How do you make cracks beneath the surface of a boat? There are no cracks in water. Left me thinking you got sick of my blue...blue...soul. I thought that was the start of something to sink my teeth into, but it wasn't substantial. Then... And I promise there was color, there were poppies in my hair... and again the thread was lost. I sense the pieces of the poem are all there; you just have to put them into a story that doesn't ramble all over the place. I think that you should try to use less metaphor, because that is where you have lost the thread.
"Stripped of my fabric, of my realm". 'And no cloth can dry this sea of evading fears". I do believe that you are trying to express the hopelessness of trying to stem the tide of tears that is your ocean? ~ Geezer.
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