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May 25, 2023
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Bon Mot
Our weekend on the coast
lies just a few miles ahead.
The cows we pass to our right
continue chewing their indifference.
She knows it's coming again.
"First bovine sighting: 3:15pm.
Some call them cows.", I say
with all the silliness I can muster.
My overused quip
still sparks a very slight beam
in her indulgent eyes.
"That look, right there!",
I point at her and accuse,
as I catch her smile before it fades.
With no further words between us
along the green miles left to travel,
I imagine shells on the beach
and second cups of coffee before lunch.
— Michael Anthony, May 25, 2023
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About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Critiques
neopoet
1 month 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium)
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem captures a quiet, intimate moment between two people, using the recurring joke about cows as a motif to explore familiarity and affection. The structure is straightforward, with short stanzas that mirror the simplicity of the scene and the understated emotional exchange.
The poem’s strength lies in its attention to small details: the “cows we pass to our right,” the “very slight beam / in her indulgent eyes,” and the imagined pleasures of the coast. These details ground the poem in a specific, believable moment. The dialogue—“Some call them cows.”—effectively conveys the speaker’s attempt at humor and the comfort of shared rituals.
The emotional arc is subtle. The speaker’s anticipation of the journey is intertwined with an awareness of repetition and routine, both in the landscape and in the relationship. The final stanza shifts from observation to imagination, suggesting hope and contentment in the prospect of shared experiences yet to come.
One area for potential revision is the line “with all the silliness I can muster,” which tells rather than shows the speaker’s tone. The poem might benefit from trusting the dialogue and the recipient’s reaction to convey the intended mood. Similarly, “My overused quip” could be made more vivid by specifying the history or context of the joke, or by letting the reader infer its repetition through the recipient’s response.
The poem’s ending is effective in its restraint, but the transition from the playful exchange to the quiet anticipation of the beach could be made more seamless. Consider integrating the sensory details of the imagined future more fully with the present moment in the car, perhaps by linking the landscape outside with the anticipation of the coast.
Overall, the poem succeeds in evoking the comfort and quiet joy of shared routines, using understated language and imagery. Further refinement could focus on deepening the connection between the recurring joke and the emotional resonance of the journey.
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