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Feb 18, 2015
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Blood on My Hands
Is there anyone out there?
Can you hear my cries?
Silent as they may seem,
they are loud on the inside.
Beating like a drum,
pounding against my brain.
Choices I've made, the good and the bad,
mine to live with, mine to regret.
Can anyone hear me?
My stupidity is breaking me down.
Can anyone see me?
I'm my own worst enemy.
Blood on my hands,
mine to bleed; life leaving me
yet I'm so free.
Breathe my last breath;
your name on my mind.
Blood on my hands,
mine to bleed.
Choices I've made
I can't take them back.
Just know how hard I tried.
I'm sorry I failed you.
Blood on my hands
mine to bleed; life leaving me
but I don't feel sorry
Breathe my last breath
I'm finally free
Blood on my hands
Goodbye.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
10 years 8 months ago
an intriguing title
Together with the repetitive line. A sad story throughout. I felt like this is something close to you or to a close friend. Anyway, the protagonist should forgive himself for any previous mistakes to be able to continue. Don't give up!!
lonlyhrtsclub13
10 years 8 months ago
thank you
This is close to me. I am fighting an internal struggle right now and am not sure what to do. I am glad you liked this.
Rula
10 years 8 months ago
Carrie
You only need to add some more confidence to the already good ingredients that you have. We might not have known each other well enough, but I always pictured you as a strong, dependent and well educated woman.
Have faith and I hope you'll soon overcome this critical period of your life. You have simply inspired this. It is a new form that I have recently learned, it is called "Tyburn", the words are especial for you
Hope you accept them :)
sheeny
shiny
ugly
surly
to mimic the sheeny, shiny stars
abandon the ugly, surly scars
lonlyhrtsclub13
10 years 8 months ago
Rula
Thank you for your kind words. They mean alot. Sometimes it is good to have a third party look at something through impartial eyes even though I know the purpose of this site is to educate and improve writing, not serve as therapy
. However, when I have no place else to put difficult feelings, I put them here. Thanks again.
Sparrow
10 years 8 months ago
Carrie
This piece is fraught with not good things, well written and takes one to a place that is darkish, but young lady remember we are here day and night to talk to and suggest things, I think I shall ask one of the children to come sit with you, Rebecca will be there now, she is a lovely girl, dresses in a bonnet and has a muff to keep he hands warm, and a flowing coat, all in a lovely red.
You just take it easy over there the weather will be changing soon and you will be able to get out more, Yours as always Ian xx
lonlyhrtsclub13
10 years 8 months ago
Ian
Thank you and the children for your kind words and assistance. This has been a difficult few months more so because it is different than the usual daily strife. This was an emotional piece, almost lyrics because I didn't know what else to do with the feelings. Thank you again.
raj
10 years 8 months ago
Carrie
if this poem is a tincture to heal old wounds it was a good prescription for that...the pain, the internal struggle can be sensed for sure..the ending "Goodbye" does suggest that the wounds are healing
Regards,
lonlyhrtsclub13
10 years 8 months ago
raj
Thank you for the comment and for finding a positive outlook on this piece. Unfortunately the goodbye was not the healing of the wound but more of my leaving everything behind. Sometimes the mind needs an escape. I am still sorting things out.
raj
10 years 8 months ago
Hi Carrie
even trying to let go is the first step of willingness to turn the page and make a fresh start...
Be well..
judyanne
10 years 8 months ago
our stupidity reigns here, in this now, carrie
I have so many regrets, I can no longer count them. So I don't
We can only learn from our mistakes, and learn to forgive ourselves - that is the hardest thing to do ... (we will find that they who matter have already forgiven us)
Great poem, it is powerful in its regret. I really like the repeating lines
but I would drop the 'goodbye'.... it spoils it, for me at least, as it sounds too pathetic (in the true meaning of the word)
love judy
xxx
lonlyhrtsclub13
10 years 8 months ago
thanks judy
I will edit this today. I am getting ready for work now. I feel like I have reached an end point with everything. Writing is my only outlet. I know the purpose of neo is to write strict form and learn but I had to do something with these feelings. Thanks again.
emogothgirl
10 years 8 months ago
nice title
One small edit: last line of the first stanza, squish "they are" into a contraction to make that stanza tighter. I like the repetition throughout, it adds a certain depth to it and makes it read more like a song. It really does read well in a musical sense. Good job.
Have heart my friend, there are plenty of us here to nudge you along if you should need it.
Mag
lonlyhrtsclub13
10 years 8 months ago
Mag
Thank you for the read and suggestions. This did come out more like a song and I was nervous putting it on here for that reason but I need to put the emotion somewhere. I have reached an end point where the hopelessness is just overwhelming. Decisions I made that I felt were right. Investments in people I thought were worth it and I worth it to them. This has been the worst pain I have ever felt emotionally. Thanks again for the read.
emogothgirl
10 years 8 months ago
also in response to your reply to judy
neo isn't just a place for strict form. songs are welcome! songs are literature we breathe into. neo is more than a workshop, it's a safe place for people to put those feelings out there, and it's full of people who care. I think that is our most important function, to support writers and poets in their endeavors, especially when they're going through tough times. we're all here for you.
Mag
Keith Logan
8 years 7 months ago
A song
A little song for Carrie
in hope that she might tarry
to find that tune which lends us
a song which recommends us
a way to not annoy
but bring instead great joy.
Take heart if I confuse you
I never would abuse you
but send the love of all here,
for that is what we hold dear.
lonlyhrtsclub13
8 years 7 months ago
Thanks keith
Love your poem.