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Jan 30, 2026
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Back When I Was Kept
The world is turning ice but I’m back on the mat
On that woven reed where we used to just chat
Down at the well I’d be playing with foam
While you prayed over me and you guarded our home
Mazoe Orange Crush and the pawpaws so sweet
With the ZCC dancing right next to our street
We’d hear all the drums while we sat in the yard
Watching over the crops and the life we’d worked hard
No eating nuts raw,you were firm with the rule
Teaching me poems until I felt like a fool
But you’d hype up my name when I spelled it out right
And bring sugarcane and oranges home in the light
When the flu hit me hard you had Vicks on your hand
The softest soul in the whole of the land
Glender's mum had the lollies, you’d buy me a few
Every blessing I have, it started with you
So let the world freeze and the winter stay long
I’m back on that mat where I truly belong
I love you down and I’ll say it so true
My sweet grandma it’s always been you
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Just thought of my grandma.I miss her.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
neopoet
2 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem effectively conveys a deep sense of nostalgia and affection through vivid, sensory details that ground the reader in specific memories. The imagery—such as "woven reed," "Mazoe Orange Crush," and "ZCC dancing"—creates a rich cultural and temporal setting that feels intimate and authentic. The use of concrete details like "Vicks on your hand" and "sugarcane and oranges" adds warmth and specificity, enhancing the emotional resonance.
The poem's structure, with its consistent quatrains and rhyme scheme, provides a steady rhythm that mirrors the comforting stability of the grandmother’s presence. However, some lines feel slightly forced to maintain rhyme, which occasionally disrupts the natural flow of the language. For example, "No eating nuts raw, you were firm with the rule / Teaching me poems until I felt like a fool" could be reconsidered for smoother phrasing or more subtle rhyme.
The emotional core is strong, but the poem might benefit from exploring more varied sentence lengths or incorporating moments of pause to deepen the reflective tone. Additionally, the phrase "I love you down" is a bit ambiguous and might be clarified or rephrased to enhance clarity and impact.
Overall, the poem succeeds in evoking a heartfelt tribute to a grandmother’s care and influence, with opportunities to refine rhythm and language for greater fluidity and emotional depth.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
2 months 3 weeks ago
Back When I Was Kept
Hello, Shantie,
Lovely and so endearing. Love that your Grandma taught you poetry! What wonderful memories. Precious.
Thank you, and congratulations!
L