Attention: Citizens Bank Claims Operations

Unbeknownst whom to bless
plus sending an email
a bountiful quicker (picker upper),
courtesy bank colleagues I confess
funds (rather claim DCC-991649
filed earlier this month
soon after learning Capital One derelicts
found me under severe duress,
which permeated every
singular cell of mine with an excess
of anxiety, dysthymia,
panic, suicidal ideations,
nevertheless a poetic
attempt made to finesse
a honest to dogness
expression of gratitude
whom thee would never
in a million years guess
for thee to know this bard from
South Eastern Pennsylvania
nonetheless, he sends you mine
electronic missive freshly minted
off the Google Chrome hotpress
more so to be grateful
(before being dead)
than attempt to impress,
which modesty of this grammarian,
latitudinarian, and nonestablishmentarian Jess
to mention a short list
of characteristics of mine
that end with arian
deliberate choice of words
where fingers of mine keypress
skitter across the qwerty keyboard
spelling out gratitude
for restitution of funds
to be restored to rightful owner,
that a yet to be identified perpetrator
schemed ala electronic heist
to defraud yours truly (id est - me)
of every last bloody cent,
whose high spiritedness
spurs me to offer largesse
to the political party of my choice,
or non-profit business of course
distributing fake (monopoly) money
including counterfeit currency,
forged money, or phony money
printed from my mini-press
rather fancy schmancy 3D printer,
(an additive manufacturing device
that creates three-dimensional
physical objects from digital models
by depositing, curing,
or sintering materials
(such as plastic, metal,
or resin) in successive, thin layers
translating computer-aided design
(CAD) files into tangible items,
allowing for rapid prototyping,
on-demand production,
and complex geometries
without the waste
of traditional subtractive methods
or scaring the Bejesus
out of thieving magpies
by siccing cloned of Scottish model
known as Loch Ness
and applying magical realism to oppress
rapscallions who gloat
over other peoples misfortune
otherwise known as schadenfreude
said retribution would be
to tighten the screws
on a figurative and press
various and sundry control buttons
on a control panel
until the sound of silence doth awk
(derived from the Old Norse afugr,
turned up in Old English and meant
“turned the wrong way,”
where originally the beginning,
awkward meant either
“turned or done in the wrong way”
or “backhanded,” and wasn't
the only awk word
out there). until quiesce
cents such that one could hear
the analogous pin drop,
which trial would necessitate a recess
to discover visa vis why the culprint(s)
did what they did
and NOT let any lame excuse transgress
to the business of fitting punishment,
which required he/she, him/her, they/them...
spend time in the slammer and undress
right in front of the jury.

Adieu from Matthew Scott Harris