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And Hell Followed

The porch is warped by desert sun,
a splintered, grey, and lonely stage.
The girl’s long task is nearly done,
upon the Bible's final page.

She traces out the holy ink,
with fingers gloved in linen white.
Before the sun begins to sink,
to let the rising dark take flight.

"And I beheld a horse of pale,"
she reads with voice of silver bell.
While wicked deeds and spirits frail,
have opened wide the gates of Hell.

"And he who sat on him was Death,"
the holy word meets dusty air.
For as she draws a heavy breath,
a rider haunts the desert glare.

"And Hell followed," she softly sighs,
the heavy book begins to fall.
As Ancient black, and sunken eyes,
sat in the leather saddle tall.

The mother drops her porcelain cup,
the shards scattered like the frost.
She dares not look the rider up,
or count the bitter, final cost.

No breath disturbs the desert heat,
no heartbeat thumps within his chest.
Just silver spurs and rotted feet,
upon a long and vengeful quest.

The silver in his holster gleams,
like moonlight on a sudden blade.
To haunt the guilty in their dreams,
for every debt they haven't paid.

He draws a breath of sulphur smoke,
through lungs of grey and rotted lace.
He calls the guilty of the folk,
to look upon his soulless face.

The first man stumbles to the street,
with trembling knees and sweating brow.
To grovel at the stallion's feet,
and offer up a shallow vow.

"We only did what must be done,"
he whines against the desert heat.
"The rope was tied by everyone,
to make your sudden end complete."

The rider does not speak or flinch,
but draws his heavy, silver gun—
The same that saw the winter lynch,
before the hanging work was done.

A thunder-clap of sudden lead,
to split the coward’s chest in two.
A spray of hot and blooming red,
to soak the dust in crimson dew.

The mother shields her daughter's sight,
but still the girl can hear the thud.
As pieces of the evening light,
are swallowed by the rising blood.

The rider cocks the hammer back,
the metal clicking sharp and dry.
To leave another crimson track,
beneath a wide, uncaring sky.

The others scramble for their steel,
with shaking hands and frantic cries.
Too late to break the iron seal,
reflected in his burning eyes.

They duck behind the watering trough,
or crouch beneath the tavern’s shade.
But no one’s heart is brave enough,
to face the monster they have made.

A second hammer falls like stone,
a flash of sulphur, hot and bright.
To splinter through a shoulder bone,
and bring the onset of the night.

He fans the hammer, fast and cold,
to send a hail of antique lead.
For every lie that they have told,
and every drop of blood they shed.

The marshal staggers to the dirt,
his jaw a ruin, wet and red.
A jagged, raw and blooming hurt,
to join the ranks of all the dead.

A skull is shattered like a glass,
a brain is splattered on the pine.
As bodies like a funeral mass,
begin to form a jagged line.

The rider doesn't blink or flinch,
as viscera like salt-spray fly.
To avenge the cold and winter lynch,
beneath the wide, uncaring sky.

The final man begins to crawl,
across the gore and splintered wood.
To press against the tavern wall,
where still the hanging tree stood.

"I have a wife, I have a son!"
He blubbers through a mask of red.
But still the rider’s silver gun,
is pointed at his guilty head.

"The rope was long, the knot was tight,"
the rider’s voice is dry as bone.
"And no one spoke for me that night,
when I was hanging all alone."

A thunder-clap, a sudden crack,
a leaden hole between the eyes.
To blow the coward’s memory back,
beneath the cold and desert skies.

The mother holds her daughter's head,
but still the girl can hear the thud.
As every man who wished him dead,
is cooling in the desert mud.

He doesn't look at where they lie,
to reap the bitter crop they sowed.
Beneath the wide, uncaring sky,
the final debt that must be owed.

The beast is turned with rotted rein,
its hooves are silent in the gore.
To leave a dark and curdled stain,
across the street and tavern door.

The girl still holds the sacred book,
with trembling hands and bated breath.
To give the rider a final look,
the pale and ruthless face of Death.

A shimmer in the moonlight glare,
a trick of light and desert sand.
He melts into the sulphur air,
and vanishes across the land.

The gallows tree is bleached and white,
a skeleton of silvered pine.
Where no one ventures in the night,
or crosses past the border line.

The towns old street is dark and stained,
a memory of curdled red.
Where only lonely winds remained,
to whisper of the restless dead.

She tells the tale to those who stay,
of scripture and of iron breath,
of how the sunlight turned to grey.
To herald in the rider........Death.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney Australia, AUS

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Comments

neopoet

neopoet

3 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem presents a narrative steeped in Western gothic imagery, biblical allusion, and a strong sense of retribution. The structure is consistent, employing quatrains with an ABAB rhyme scheme throughout, which supports the ballad-like storytelling mode. The meter is generally regular, though there are occasional lines where the rhythm stumbles due to syllabic excess or stress patterns that do not quite align; for example, “The towns old street is dark and stained,” where “towns old” feels compressed.

The poem’s use of biblical references, particularly the allusion to Revelation and the Four Horsemen, is effective in establishing a tone of doom and inevitability. The repeated references to scripture, the “pale horse,” and the phrase “And Hell followed” anchor the narrative in a mythic register, lending weight to the events described.

Imagery is vivid and often visceral, especially in the depiction of violence (“A thunder-clap of sudden lead, / to split the coward’s chest in two. / A spray of hot and blooming red, / to soak the dust in crimson dew.”). The poem does not shy away from the brutality of vengeance, using sensory detail to evoke both the horror and the inevitability of the rider’s justice. The recurring motif of the “wide, uncaring sky” and the “desert heat” reinforces the setting’s indifference to human suffering and guilt.

The narrative arc is clear: a wronged figure returns as an agent of supernatural justice, meting out retribution to those complicit in his death. The poem’s perspective alternates between the girl, the mother, and the townspeople, but the transitions are generally smooth, maintaining coherence. The girl’s framing presence—reading scripture, witnessing the events, and ultimately becoming the bearer of the tale—provides a human anchor amid the supernatural action.

There are moments where the language risks redundancy, particularly in the repeated references to blood, death, and vengeance. While repetition can be a deliberate stylistic choice in balladry, some stanzas reiterate imagery or concepts already established, which can blunt their impact. For example, the motif of “crimson” and “blood” appears frequently; varying the imagery or focusing on other sensory details could heighten the cumulative effect.

The poem’s diction is generally appropriate to its genre, though there are occasional anachronisms or awkward phrasings (“He blubbers through a mask of red,” “To reap the bitter crop they sowed”) that could be refined for greater impact or clarity. The line “He fans the hammer, fast and cold,” effectively references the Western trope of rapid gunfire, but elsewhere, technical or period-specific details could be more consistently integrated.

The ending returns to the girl and the aftermath, effectively closing the narrative loop and reinforcing the poem’s themes of memory, trauma, and the persistence of violence. The final lines, with their reference to storytelling and the transformation of sunlight to grey, underscore the poem’s meditation on justice and legacy.

Overall, the poem demonstrates a strong command of narrative structure, atmosphere, and thematic resonance. Attention to rhythmic consistency, variation in imagery, and occasional refinement of diction could further strengthen its impact. The poem’s ambition in blending biblical, Western, and horror elements is notable, and with further revision, its emotional and narrative power could be heightened.

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Geezer

Geezer

3 weeks ago

While I do...

    

think that you might possibly shaved a little here and there,  
to make this a tiny bit smoother, I wouldn't do it.

I see the affirmation of  vengeance and retribution as a refrain or chorus. 
I could see a video set to some ancient rock band music, like: "Iron Maiden or something... 
I enjoyed this one. Nicely done. ~ Geez.